Maybe it was the snow here in Boston, but today it especially felt like the entire human race collectively just decided to say, “Ah, fuck it.” All it really took was a mere five minutes on Facebook or Twitter to realize that today was chock full of news, some of which was surprising, some disappointing, and most was probably not worthy of being called news at all. ICYMI, here’s what kind of shit went down.
| DMX will fight George Zimmerman in a celebrity boxing match |
First off, George Zimmerman isn’t a celebrity, despite being an accomplished artist (lol). Secondly, DMX says he’s going to piss on Zimmerman’s face once he’s done beating him, toward which there’s really no appropriate reaction. How about we take a Buzzfeed quiz on this, folks, what do you say? Are you a really shitty human being? Are you slightly less of a shitty human being? Are you a normal human being? If you answered Option A, you are probably rooting for Zimmerman in this fight. If you chose Option B, you are probably rooting for DMX to win. If you went with Option C, you will not watch this fight at all. For the record, Trayvon Martin would have been 19 years old today. I wonder what his family thinks of this mess?
| Clay Aiken announced a bid for US Congress |
What took him so long, right? It was over a decade ago now that America was “Achin'” for Clay on American Idol, and now he’s trying to recapture the hearts of Americans as a South Carolina congressman, with plans to run as a Democrat against incumbent Republican Renee Ellmers. The only sad news in this whole situation is that Aiken will have to put his singing career on hold, which is a bummer. And hey, if Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jesse “The Body” Ventura are worthy of your vote, or if Rob Ford is worthy of anything, then Clay Aiken has to have a chance.
| There is a statue of a dude in his underwear at Wellesley College and people are freaking out |
The statue is called “Sleepwalker,” and is part of an art installation by sculptor Tony Matelli. It looks a bit like that night I took too much Benedryl and couldn’t find the bathroom in my apartment, so the fact that many are a bit disturbed by it is justifiable. The fact that there is already a petition to remove the statue, however, seems only slightly less excessive than the petition to remove Justin Bieber from our country. It has to be way more important than taking the time to sign a petition to legalize same-sex marriage or support initiatives to provide aid for innocent people in Syria, right? It’s art. Sometimes art looks like shit, just deal with it.
| Sochi is apparently a total wasteland and they thought nobody would find out |
Who knew, right? The same place that threatens to arrest anyone who promotes homosexuality is actually a total shithole. Journalists are all over social media this week reporting that most of the hotels aren’t even finished being built, the tap water looks like piss after a night of beer-drinking, and after you wipe your butt you have to put your dirty toilet paper in a bucket. It’s cool though because at least all of the stray animals that run around Sochi are going to be OK. Wait a minute, actually they’re all going to be captured and slaughtered. Sounds like a really fun time. Thanks for the hospitality, Russia.
| Red Hot Chili Peppers felt the need to apologize for performing at the Super Bowl |
I can’t believe a band with so much CRED would SELLOUT to an event driven by CORPORATIONS and not even PLUG IN. People are really up in arms about the fact that RHCP didn’t plug its instruments into amps and instead played along to a track that they had previously recorded and were satisfied with. God forbid they sound good, right? And to think they would have the gall to pull such a stunt in an age where pop musicianship and performance integrity are at an all-time high! Time to calm down about this. The NFL made a deal with them that if they wanted to play, they weren’t playing live. They could have said fuck off, and people would continue to say that the band hasn’t been good since “Californication,” or they could’ve agreed and told their grandchildren that they once played the biggest gig in the world. They chose the latter.
