Relatives. Heaping portions of food. Awkward encounters with old high school friends. Black Friday. Depending on your situation, this weekend may be either a reason to hit the bar (!) or a reason to hit the bar. But have no fear! We have you covered in the topical small talk department, with gems about a salacious Santa, some mythology we made up about Jewish pilgrims, pick-up lines for the lung-power impaired, and news items about everyone’s favorite topic of conversation … the weather!
A naughty mall Santa groped an elf at the Hanover Mall this week. Herbert G. Jones had also allegedly told his coworker, “I wish you were a few years older and I was younger,” which is the sort of pensive creepiness that is only sexier coming from someone dressed as a beloved whimsical figure from your childhood.
A menorah has been lit on Plymouth Rock (we didn’t light on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock lighted on us!) to honor the rare simultaneity of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving, and to honor Joseph Smithowitz, the little-known Jewish pilgrim. Fun bar prank for our Jewish readers, go into great detail about the life of Mr. Smithowitz, praying on your goy friends’ sense of cultural ignorance to tell an elaborate tall tale of the man who invented ranch flavoring for popcorn, and who was in charge of fastidious table settings for the first Thanksgiving feast.
A fun game to fill awkward silences after your grandmother threatens to chop off your uncle’s fingertips with a cleaver: Guess the context! Read this quote from an international news story and guess which eccentric public figure said it and why: “It’s a bitter day of mourning for our democracy. … We won’t retreat to some convent. We are here and we will stay here.”
In spite of strong wind and rains, travel has been going relatively smoothly in Massachusetts. So, that’s like five seconds of small talk with your fourth cousin right there. But if you said you’re thankful for reasonable weather and minor traffic delays at the Thanksgiving table, your family likely disowned you.
Gangster James Whitey Bulger has been moved to a federal detention facility in New York, because for a Southie boy, the only thing worse than serving two life sentences is serving two life sentences among a bunch of Yankees fans.
Smokers can now complain about more than just their mouth phlegm, bone-rattling cough, and expedited death—now they can’t smoke in Boston parks, either! The Boston City Council made smoking in any of the 251 public spaces run by the Parks and Recreation Department a crime that carries a $250 fine. Your weekly pick-up line: Follow a smoker outside and say, “I know one place where you’re always smoking … in my mouth!” Then say, “Wait, no, that can’t be right,” and look sad and confused. Hotties can’t resist it when a good pun turns bad.
When it’s time to leave with leftovers and you want to make an ungraceful exit, announce, “You know what I’m not thankful for? The antibiotics this turkey was probably dosed with!”