{“data”:[{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”Last night, a middle\\-aged man dressed as Eric Draven walked into the Scottrade Center in St. Louis with a baseball bat, stared blankly at the executive vice president of a billion dollar company for a few hyper\\-dramatic seconds, then dropped the exec on his head. For many among the viewership, this was a downright tear\\-jerking moment.\n”}},{“type”:”html”,”data”:{“text”:”“}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”Sting was probably the only major wrestling star of the last 30 years who had yet to grace a WWE ring until the 28th annual Survivor Series PPV. We knew he would show up sooner or later – he’s been making assorted promotional appearances for WWE since April. But despite the many, many valid cases against professional wrestling, one cannot dispute its aptitude for myth making. The company Sting was most closely affiliated with in his heyday \\- World Champion Wrestling – shuttered its doors in 2001. That means the last time Sting appeared on a major television show \\(TNA Impact doesn’t count\\) a sizable fraction of the so\\-called “WWE Universe” hadn’t been born yet. But if anything, his absence from the zeitgeist only made his presence an even bigger deal. Dude mostly just kind of showed up – during a pivotal point in the main event, sure– but technically, he stole the show without actually doing much.\n\nBy Scorpion Death Dropping and thereby nullifying Triple H, Sting allowed Dolph Ziggler to pin Seth Rollins, sealing the deal for the heroic Team Cena’s victory over the nefarious Team Authority in the main event.A bunch of other stuff happened before that. Here’s a rundown:\n\n**Preshow Match: Fandango vs. Justin Gabriel**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** Fandango is a ballroom dancing expert. That’s his shtick. The announcers kept emphasizing that this was the “new and improved” Fandango, I guess because he wrestles with his shirt on and has a new valet now? Justin Gabriel has badass new tights with skeleton bones on ‘em.\n\n**The Action:** The arena was only half\\-full, and those who arrived early slept through this one because they are ingrates. Gabriel got a pretty sick springboard moonsault in before Fandango squashed his face with a top\\-rope leg drop. \n\n**Winner:** Fandango\n\n**Side Thoughts:** I hope they start writing Fandango like wrestling’s answer to Vega from \”Street Fighter II.\” Only a completely malicious sociopath could get over a credible villain with what’s thus far been one of the least intimidating gimmicks in recent WWE history.\n\n**‘Nuther Preshow Match:** **“The Swiss Superman” Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** On his way to the ring, Cesaro announced that despite his homeland’s long history of neutrality, he was offering spiritual support to Team Authority. After proclaiming, “Long LiveThe Authority” in English, German, and French, Cesaro got interrupted by nationalist redneck Zeb Colter and his charge, opie slackwit Jack Swagger.\n\n**The Action:** Swagger put Cesaro in the ankle lock real early. Cesaro escaped, then rattled the bejesus out of Swagger with a handful of suplexes. Swagger reversed a string of German suplexes into another ankle lock for the submission. \n\n**Winner:** Jack Swagger\n\n**Side Thoughts:** Swagger and Colter started out as racist Teapartiers, and without doing anything to redeem themselves, suddenly they’re good guys ‘cause it’s beyond easy to get a building full of wrestling fans to chant “U\\-S\\-A, U\\-S\\-A!” Why do I feel like the only one troubled by this?\n\n**Show Opens:** Megalomaniacal WWE owner Vince McMahon sauntered to the ring and called down daughter Stephanie McMahon, son\\-in\\-law Triple H, and John Cena. Vince reminded us that Stephanie and Triple H are in charge of the fascist Authority faction, and if their team fell short in the elimination match at the end of the card, they would lose their abilities to abuse their, y’know, authority, at the expense of the talent and fans. Triple H said he’d fire Cena’s teammates in the event of Cena and co.’s defeat, plus he said “personably responsible” and winced at his own mistake. \n\nStephanie pointed out that even if Team Authority lost, she andTriple H would keep their high\\-powered desk jobs and continue to influence WWE goings\\-on from afar. Vince said they’d only stay in charge of finance, marketing and maybe legal matters. So, basically, she was right. Cena trusted Vince, even though I don’t think Vince has ever aligned himself with the baby faces \\(good guys\\) without betraying them at some point. The exposition went on for 15 minutes.\n\n**Four Way Tag Team Title Match: \\(Goldust and Stardust \\(c\\) vs. The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow\\)**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** In one of this PPV’s only instances of a title being on the line, the offspring of “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes defended their tag team championships against the progenies of “The Guy with the Huge Ass” Rikishi, two bullfighters, and a former \”Real World\” star joined by his stunt double. Got all that?\n\n**The Action:** The crowd’s adorationfor Mizdow and disdain for The Miz was notably chuckle\\-worthy. Goldust and Stardust pulled off a bunch of innovative spots, particularly a sunset flip/German suplex combo and a wacky string of tombstone reversals courtesy of Stardust and one of the Matadors. The Usos did the bit where they superkick everybody, then jump on everybody after they’re knocked outside the ring. Stardust also did the jumpy thing, as did Los Matadores’ mascot, El Torito. The Dusters crunched up one of the Matadors with a double\\-team power bomb/suplex, then an Uso top\\-rope splashed a stunned Goldust, and Mizdow opportunistically pinned Goldust to the delight of all. \n\n**Winners:** The Miz and Damien Mizdow\n\n**Side Thoughts:** They forced CodyRhodes into generic gimmicks for years when he had this sinister, Bowie\\-gone\\-feral persona in him all the while, because bookers make mistakes sometimes. Stardust might be the first wrestler ever to effectively threaten his opponents by hissing like a cat.\n\n**Divas Elimination Tag Match: Team Fox \\(Alicia Fox, Emma, Naomi, and Natalya\\) vs. Team Paige \\(Paige, Cameron, Layla, and Summer Rae\\)**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** WWE couldn’t be bothered to come up with story lines or last names for most of their female wrestlers, so they stuffed them all into a big ol’ clusterfuck filler match.\n\n**The Action:** The “We Want Mizdow”chants persisted throughout the first few minutes. The babyface team – Fox and her associates \\- systematically knocked off all four members of the evil team –Paige and her cohort. As this transpired, announcer Jerry “The King” Lawler reminisced about the Mean Street Posse, and drew an awkward silence from his fellow announcers upon uttering, “Foxy did the chicken spot,” in response to a brief chicken dance by Fox. \n\nAfter Natalya German suplexed Paige’s lights out, Naomi brought this match to a merciful conclusion with an actually kind of cool head scissors/DDT\\-type thing. Then the babyface team danced around to Brodus Clay’s old theme music. \n\n**Winners:** Team Fox\n\n**Side Thoughts:** That was predictably pointless and too long, although not as terrible I expected. Apparently Paige is going to be on WWE’s horrid \”Total Divas\” reality show. Personally, I feel her contributions to the company should remain limited to beating the snot out of people.\n\n**Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** “The Eater of Worlds” Bray Wyatt got himself serious beef with “The Lunatic Fringe” Dean Ambrose when he mucked up Ambrose’s chances of winning a Hell In The Cell match against Seth Rollins. According to Wyatt, this was part of his plan to earn Ambrose’s friendship, and help him get over the daddy issues contributing to his lunatic fringeiness. Wyatt says things like “I created war,” and “Follow the buzzards,” so nobody really expects his actions to make any sense.\n\n**The Action:** Very solid brawl orchestrated by two masters of hyperbolic facial expressions. A bit afternot\\-quite pulling out a win with an STO slam on the metal steps, Wyatt threw some chairs into the ring, and pleaded with Ambrose, “Why are you doing this, man? We could’ve ruled the world together! You’re not like them, Dean!” Because it makes him really angry when someone tries to be his friend, Ambrose hit Wyatt in the stomach with a chair, thereby getting himself disqualified. Ambrose also double\\-armed DDTed Wyatt on a chair, crashed him through a table with a top\\-rope elbow drop, and threw a bunch more weapons in the ring for no apparent reason. \n\n**Winner by DQ:** Bray Wyatt\n\n**Side Thoughts:** The indecisive ending is fine because it guarantees another Ambrose/Wyatt match on the next PPV. Ambrose introducing a whole bunch of weapons – several chairs and a ladder –into the equation without using any of them felt pretty random. I guess his actions aren’t meant to make sense either.\n\n**Adam Rose and the Bunny vs. Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil** \n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** A verbal altercation of some kind took place between these four warriors while I was smoking a cigarette. \n\n**The Action:** The Bunny beat Slater after a second\\-rope dropkick within something like five minutes. Adam Rose’s colorful posse of “Rose Buds” carried the triumphant Bunny backstage, as Rose demonstrated his jealously of the Bunny’s growing success and popularity.\n\n**Side\\-Thoughts:** Whatever happened to Darren Young?\n\n**Roman Reigns Interview Segment:** Roman Reigns appeared on the Titantron, and said if injuries hadn’t forced him to sit Survivor Series out, that he would, “make it rain in that bitch.” Reigns fears nothing, not even curse words.\n\n**Backstage Segment:** Erick Rowan played with a Rubik’s Cube while his teammates emphasized the importance of their match.\n\n**Divas Title Match:** AJ Lee \\(c\\) vs. Nikki Bella\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** Via shenanigans, Brie Bella – the good Bella twin – has been forced to act as personal assistant to Nikki – the evil Bella twin. AJ Lee is married to CM Punk, making her the luckiest woman in the world.\n\n**The Action:** Brie kisses AJ full on the mouth, which flusters AJ enough for Nikki to hit a move called The Rack Attack and win in about 30 seconds. Now, both twins are evil. \n\n**Winner:** Nikki Bella \n\n**Side Thoughts:** What the _fuck_ was that? I hope the rumors of AJ’s looming retirement turn out to be true so she can go chill with her totally rad millionaire husband and not have to deal with this kind of malarkey.\n\n**Elimination Match: TeamCena \\(John Cena, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and Erick Rowan\\) vs. TeamAuthority \\(Seth Rollins, Luke Harper, Rusev, Kane, and Mark Henry\\)**\n”}},{“type”:”image”,”data”:{“file”:{“url”:””,”full”:””},”text”:””}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**The Backstory:** OK, you know how in wrestling the top good guy wrestler rebels against his evil boss a lot of the time? This is basically that storyline. Stand\\-up Captain America\\-like dude that he is, John Cena sets out to put a stop to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon’s power\\-mad reign of unpleasantries. If Team Cena wins, The Authority loses their in\\-story control of WWE. If Team Authority wins, everyone on Cena’s team except Cena gets in\\-storyline fired.\n\n**The Action:** Mark Henry went down instantly after a Punch In The Face of Doom by Big Show. Seth Rollins killed Ryback with a Curb Stomp – the coolest finishing move on the show \\- and Rusev pinned the fallen poor man’s Goldberg, Ryback. Dolph Ziggler bounced around and got fucked up by all his opponents, as is his wont. Rusev tried to splash Ziggler through the Spanish announcers’ table, missed, and wound up counted out. Cena nearly dispatched Kane with an Attitude Adjustment, but got Curb Stomped before he could follow up. Rowan went on a rampage only to meet his elimination following his former buddy Luke Harper’s Clothesline of Questionable Personal Hygiene. \n\nThe first of three “HOLY SHIT” moments in this match occurred when Big Show cold clocked Cena with yet another Punch in the Face of Doom. Cena was bound to be betrayed by _somebody_, but I figured it was going to be Rowan or Vince. Due to Big Show’s near constant alignment switching, this swerve was so predictable it went all the way around and became unpredictable. Go figure. \n\nWith Cena KOed and Show self\\-eliminated, Ziggler – a competitor with a long\\-standing reputation for being easy to beat up – had to fend for himself against Harper, Kane, and Rollins. Ziggler was fucked. Or so we thought. A Zigzag out of nowhere took out Kane, and Ziggler pulled a rollup out of his ass to remove Harper from the equation. Irked by Ziggler’s persistence, Triple H started tossing referees around, then entered the ring and Pedigreed Ziggler to death. Annoyed by Trip’s apparent disregard for fairplay, Sting swooped in, trounced the self\\-proclaimed “King of Kings,” and tossed Ziggler’s corpse on Rollins’s equally dead body. Following the three count and Ziggler’s exuberant post\\-match celebration, a forlorn Triple H and Stephanie sulked and fumed. \n**Winner and Sole Survivor: Dolph Ziggler** \n\n**Side\\-Thoughts:** For a pair of ne’er\\-do\\-wells undone by a guy in KISS face paint, Triple H and Stephanie’s reaction to defeat conveyed a surprising degree of depth. Trips’ solemn stares at the ground alongside Steph’s struggles to maintain her composure felt like the mannerisms of a couple who genuinely believed they were in the right, as opposed to the evil\\-for\\-evil’s\\-sake baddies of yore. Whatever sympathy they managed to engender while their dictatorship crumbled was surely calculated, seeing as how like most wrestling characters, Trips and Steph shall be returning to babyface status within a year, and back to evil the year after that, and so forth into the great beyond. \n\n”}},{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”_\\[Image Credit: \\[](\\]_\n”}}]}