Someone in my office is masturbating at work. How do I know? Because I have found jizz on the toilet seat TWICE in the last two weeks. We have a few single-stall, shared bathrooms, and we’re a fairly small office. I have a few suspicions of who it could be, but no real evidence. If it were someone leaving rotten food in the fridge I’d just send a company-wide email, but that doesn’t seem like it will work for this. Our company is smallish–maybe 30-35 employees–and we don’t really have HR. Help?

-Stop Being A Jerk(Off)

Wow. I know everyone needs to blow off steam at work once in a while, but usually you don’t hear about people blowing off…well you know where that sentence is going.

There’s really only one way to address this: pass the buck (or maybe the fuck?).

You say you don’t have HR, but certainly there must be someone in charge–a general manager or office manager. Tell that person you have a sensitive topic to discuss, then (work-appropriately) explain the situation: that someone is engaging in inappropriate sexual activities in the work bathroom, and it’s skeezing you–and likely a few other unlucky employees–out.

That person will then have the unenviable task of either talking to or sending out an email to the male members of your staff, telling them to keep THEIR staves in their pants during office hours.

This probably won’t totally stop your office masturbator; my guess is that this individual isn’t just ridiculously overcharged, he particularly enjoys the thrill of maybe-getting-caught, and of leaving something behind.

Unless you want to become the spoo detective, and camp out at each bathroom to do a crime scene investigation any time a male coworker comes out (I don’t recommend this option AT ALL), you’re going to have to leave it at that.

If you DO happen to learn definitively who it is (i.e., you’re going in when someone is going out, and you see this…evidence again), pass that information on to the same person-in-charge and thank GOD that your office has multiple bathrooms…and probably employs a cleaning service.