Archive friend advice

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My friend drives drunk… a lot
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My friend drives drunk. A lot. And not just “one drink too many” drunk, more like “in obviously rough shape” drunk. It not only makes me scared for her, it makes me angry: She could hurt herself or someone else, and there’s really no excuse in the era of Uber. I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she brushes it off or claims she won’t do it again, but then does, anyway. I’ve been tempted to call the cops on her just to get her to stop doing this. How do I convince her it’s not worth it before something terrible happens?  More

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Take My Advice: Do I Need to Make my Party Nut-Free for One Guest’s Child?
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I’m having a housewarming party in a few weeks, and I’ve invited several friends with children. One of these friends got in touch to ask me to stipulate to all guests that, should they bring a food item, that item should be certified peanut and tree-nut free, because her 4-year-old has a peanut allergy (she also asked me not to serve anything containing those items). On the one hand, I understand her concern, and I would never want to inadvertently endanger a child. I’m happy to comply myself. But I’ve already sent out invites, to several dozen people–some of them colleagues–and feel like it would be rude to tack on a set of rules after the fact. The friend who wants a nut-free party is kind of flaky anyway; it’s possible I’d set these boundaries only to have her and her family never show up, anyway. Would it be rude to refuse her request?

-Too much heat on this housewarming

It’s too late to avoid rudeness: your friend has already stepped in a big pile of it. 

If this were a children-only affair, I would say she’s within her rights; then it really is just about safety and being allowed to participate.

But while you mentioned that you invited friends with kids, and are presumably welcoming the under-10 set, this isn’t a party FOR kids. Little Jimmy isn’t going to cry about missing the mostly-adults housewarming event. 

So his needs shouldn’t dictate any behavior but his own and his parents’. 

At four he’s probably too young to be trusted to avoid danger foods himself, so it would be prudent for your friends to either pay close attention to him while they’re at the party, and stay only a limited time, or–the much more logical route any time you’re considering asking people to make concessions for your offspring–they should hire a babysitter.

Presumably you have friends who avoid gluten or dairy, who won’t eat certain (or all) meats, or who prefer to ensure everything that passes their lips was raised humanely. That’s all well and good; it’s expecting the world around them to make concessions to it that’s not. Your friend has put you in an awkward position with an unreasonable demand; you shouldn’t justify that behavior by kowtowing to it. 

Instead, send this friend an extremely pleasant, polite response in which you let her know that “you understand her concern for her son’s safety,” but that you “don’t feel comfortable guaranteeing that all the food will be safe for him,” since you can’t be certain other guests will read the invitation that closely, or comply. Given that fact, you “really hope to see her there,” but also “completely understand” if she and her son won’t be able to make it.

If she reacts to that with anything other than a “thanks for letting me know,” stop inviting her to parties. Even if her son eventually outgrows the allergy, she’s only going to get worse.

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Take My Advice: My Friend Got Me a Job…That I Hate, Do I Need to Keep It?
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A friend helped me get a job at her company, which I really needed. The problem is…I hate it. It’s boring, I get micromanaged daily, and I feel like my brain and soul are both rotting. Recently, I snagged an interview at a place that’s a much better fit (it’s not an office job, which helps). I’ve only been here a couple months, though, and I feel guilty–I know I would have never been hired if my friend hadn’t gone to bat for me. What do I do? I don’t want to stay in this terrible job, but I don’t want to damage my friendship, either.  More

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Take My Advice: How to Deal With a Friendship Gone Sour
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I have been friends with 2 girls for awhile, call them Apple and Banana. I was friends with Apple many many years before Banana. When I first became friends with Banana, she was being severely bullied. Apple and I would cry for her. Banana PROBABLY had mental problems….she actually brought a weapon to school to try and stab all of them one day. But we three had a great friendship for a year. Then Banana moved schools. More

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Take My Advice: Why Can’t My Work Friend Work Past My Promotion?
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I just nabbed a promotion at work, totally unexpectedly. I should be celebrating, but it’s been super hard since my best work friend has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I found out. I think she thought she had the job in the bag, so this seems like sour grapes. I don’t need her to throw me a party or anything, but how do I get her to move on and at least be my lunch buddy again? Taking on a new job and new responsibilities is hard enough, I don’t want to be friendless, too! More

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Take My Advice: He’s MIA… Should I Be, Too?
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{“data”:[{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**I have a friend I went to school with, so we’ve been friends for about ten years. He lives in the UK, I live here. We used to be super close, we went through horrible breakups at the same time last year and went to each other \\(via Skype\\) to talk each other through that time. Our personal lives used to be open books to each other, but a few months ago he went MIA. I thought a new girlfriend was at the root of it, but he said if he had one of course he would let me know, he was just going through some things. Eventually, communication got better and I got over it. Then, I had a crisis a couple months back and he was nowhere in sight.**\n”}},{“type”:”html”,”data”:{“text”:” More

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Take My Advice: How Do I Know When to Check My Privilege?
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{“data”:[{“type”:”text”,”data”:{“text”:”**Recently I was out with friends and I told a story from college about a time I crossed a line with an ex’s new girlfriend. I got her number and called her a few times, kinda stalked her dorm, trolled her twitter feed, and basically got a little nuts about the whole thing for a couple months before I realized I was acting crazy \\(and also sort of just got over it\\). One of the friends I was telling the story to got really upset, and when I asked her about it, she said it \”blew her mind\” how unaware I was acting about my \”white privilege\” \\(she’s black\\). I apologized, because I think that’s what she wanted, but I was kind of blindsided. Was I being insensitive, or is she way TOO sensitive?**\n”}},{“type”:”html”,”data”:{“text”:” More

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Take My Advice: And Baby Makes…None
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My husband and I have been married for a little over two years, and we just found out we’re pregnant with our first baby. I’m really excited about it…but my friends don’t seem to be as thrilled. I’m the first of us to get pregnant, and already I can feel some of them pulling away from me–acting awkward about me not having anything to drink with dinner, or not inviting me to things I would have gotten an invitation to in the past. What can I do to convince them I’m the same person? I never thought I’d lose my friends over this; it hurts that they can’t be supportive. More

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Take My Advice: Wrong Answer
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Recently, I got back my scores on the SATs–I didn’t do very well. When my best friend asked what I got, I lied and said a much higher score. I don’t know why I did it, but now I don’t know how to take it back, and she keeps pushing me about why I’m not applying to “better” schools. What do I do?  More

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Take My Advice: Only the Lonely
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I moved to Boston about a year ago, and I still feel like I have no friends. I’ve tried all kinds of stuff–signing up for a kickball league, going out for meetup nights, etc. etc., but nobody I’ve met has become more than an occasional “let’s grab a beer” acquaintance. How can I find people I like and who like me for more than just a drink every once in a while? I’m starting to think I should just call it a wash and move somewhere I know more people. More