Easter is a weird holiday. Ostensibly, it is an old pagan fertility ritual that celebrates the resurrection of the lord and savior of a plurality of the word’s population. Does that seem too complicated to explain to kids? Just tell them that they’ll get candy (mostly egg-shaped candy) delivered by a giant, egg-laying mammal. A platypus? No, that’s a mammal that actually does lay eggs. Tell them it’s a bunny. The Easter Bunny. Kids will believe anything.
But eventually, they wise up. They ask questions about our non-federal holiday – one that makes a lot less sense than a “birthday” celebration replacing a good old-fashioned orgy – and that’s when you have to tell them the even harsher truth: rabbits are jerks.
It’s true. The Trix Rabbit is a thief (and an incompetent one at that).
And Bucky O’Hare is a joyless, humorless, toad-hating bore.
Lewis Carroll’s “White Rabbit” sells drugs to kids.
It doesn’t end there, either. Not even close.
Remember Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh? Total jerk. When he’s not complaining, he’s inviting over a friend (who is a BEAR!) and then gets mad that the bear gets stuck in his rabbit-sized door. Then he blames the bear for being fat! Bears are bigger than rabbits, Rabbit. If you can’t accommodate your bear friends, don’t invite them to your rabbit house.
Also a jerk is Benny the Rabbit. Added to the Sesame Street roster in 1991, Benny the Rabbit is a disgruntled bell-hop. Sure, it’s not a great job, but lashing out at your guests isn’t going to win you any sympathy. No wonder the character only appears sparingly.
Frank wants Donnie to commit arson.
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog is, well, a Killer Rabbit.
What about B-Rabbit from 8 Mile? Wasn’t he a good guy? Rapping for all those needy people? No. He’s Kipling for millennials.
Noid from Domino’s Pizza? Here he is on a pizza-crushing pogo stick in 1986.
Did you know the jerk known as the Duracell Bunny actually predates the jerk known as the Energizer Bunny? Both are bothersome creatures, obviously, but the Duracell Bunny is now banned from North America because the Energizer corporation filed a copyright claim on “Battery Bunnies.”
As for Bugs Bunny – well, even if we ignore his condescending attitude and compete disregard for parks departments worldwide – you can’t honestly watch this and not wonder if he suffers from a murderous psychosis.
So there you have it. Rabbits are jerks. Happy Easter!
