Sure, you can fill any lapse in conversation with “Run, you idiot!” and “Gooooaaaaaaaal!” for the next 15 1/2 days (but who’s counting?). However: if you want to be seen as the savior of conversation at the bars this weekend, why not shout these topical local news stories into your neighbor’s ear? Even if your friend is rooting for [SO AND SO] and you’re staunchly [INSERT TEAM HERE], you can probably both agree that it’s great that the cool kids in middle school are miserable now.
The Supreme Court struck down a Massachusetts law that mandates a 35-foot buffer zone around abortion clinics. The law was meant to ensure patients’ privacy and safety, but the Supreme Court claims cutting off part of a public street violates the First Amendment. Of course, abortions are a small fraction of the services women’s health centers offer, but now all patients can look forward to strangers confronting them about their life choices as they go in for affordable pap smears and HPV vaccinations. Free speech ain’t free!
Will Lautzenheiser, a former BU film professor who had to amputate all four limbs after a bad streptococcal infection, is considering both a double arm and a double leg transplant from the geniuses at Brigham and Women’s Hospital. Obviously, these procedures will also cost him an arm and a leg (Zing!), netting him one arm and one leg.
If you weren’t cool as a tween, take heart! Children who are popular in middle school grow up to be troubled adults, according to a new research study from the University of Virginia. This weekend, at your friend’s house party, recite this fun fact proudly, then scream at the top of your lungs, “THAT MEANS I’M WELL-ADJUSTED!”
During an Avicii show at the TD Garden, 36 attendees were sent to area hospitals drug- and alcohol-related problems. One concert goer told the Globe, “You couldn’t breathe if you were on the floor. … It was the best and worst time ever.” If listening to Avicii and sharing precious oxygen with too many drunk teenagers sounds like a good time to you, then it’s safe to assume you were cool in middle school.
Uber is facing a class-action lawsuit filed in Suffolk County Superior Court and claiming the car service powered by iPhones and broke strangers with nice cars discourages tips and inappropriately classifies its employees as independent contractors, forcing them to pay for expenses like gas and insurance. So keep that in mind the next time you vomit in that nice stranger’s car.
A beluga whale (read: an albino, disfigured manatee) was spotted in the Taunton River, more than 1,000 miles from its natural habitat. Scientists believe it’s possible the beluga may have traveled all this way to rub against the river bottom, in a process known as “shedding.” Taunton is known among the whale community for its great scratching rocks. We smell a tourism campaign!
In spite of losing to Germany yesterday, the US will advance to the next round of the World Cup, forcing people who want their pubs back to Google search “when will the World Cup be over?” more vehemently than ever (yes, vehement Googling is a thing. Google it.) Your weekly topical pickup line? Tell another World Cup fanatic at the bar, “How about we go back to my place and get all Luis Suarez on each other?”
