Plenty of magazines pull the “guest editor” bit on their readers to get some press and develop a few half-hearted feature pitches from some celebrity in relation to whatever they’re working on at the time. People Magazine is no exception. This month, they’ve passed the reins to the notorious
Krim Kim Kardashian-West, and though the issue is on stands now.
We have a few post-release pitches we’d like to submit to the Queen herself…
LifeHacks by Kim
This week, Kim focuses on how to install discreet mirrors on your toddler’s forehead to simultaneously parent and make sure your eyebrows are still inexplicably flawless. Spoilers ahead!
- Give birth to the world’s most famous child.
- Consider how you feel about said child – does it look identical to you? If yes, do not alter. If no, purchase a floor-length, self-cleaning mirror, a strong adhesive and an album of children’s lullabies.
- Wait for child to fall asleep. If child is not responding to lullabies, play “Black Skinhead” until he/she nods off.
- Whip out the tape measure that you have hidden in your right elbow (which, if you are a true lady, has been hollowed out for storage) and measure dimensions of child’s forehead. Have mirror cut to specifications.
- Using SuperGlue or, if in a pinch, a large, half-chewed hunk of Orbit gum, secure mirror to child’s forehead without waking him/her.
- Do you look pretty? Of course you do!
- You did it! You will never need to look your child in the eye again…good thing, too, because that kid is going to be a disaster.
How to Win Friends and Influence People on a Mobile Game that Took Over Your Life
More psychological intervention than a goofy magazine column, Kim insisted that therapist to the stars Dr. Ding Finger write an intervention for those who continue to struggle with an unhealthy Kim Kardashian: Hollywood addiction. For those unaware, Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is Kim’s very own red carpet adventure game where you can create your own aspiring celebrity. From his piece:
For an example of a serious habit, look no further than our friend Rachel, who punched a hole in her bedroom wall after being broken up with by KKH boyfriend Dylan for wearing nothing but a sarong anywhere she went. She drained her savings into the app, spending $500 on K-Coins in order to have nemesis Willow Pape quietly poisoned at a Paris runway show.
Truly devastating. After three months in a screen-less rehabilitation center, Rachel still needs to resist the urge to download the app and return to her life of digital luxury.
FEATURE: My Hairy Forehead Almost Ruined My Life
The centerpiece to this week’s People is dripping with drama, confronting her recent admission that her forehead used to be “hairy” before giving her hairline the laser treatment. Follow Kim on her journey from fabulously wealthy woman with a normal hairline to fabulously wealthy woman with an artificial hairline in this moving piece.
Cropping Your Perfect Insta
A fearless pictorial spearheaded by Kim herself, this important post emphasizes the supreme importance of the perfect crop when posting to Instagram. To prove her point, Kim showed several of her uncropped Insta photos, which she declared “unseemly” and “I don’t know another word for unseemly, can you look it up and just put that word in the article? This is off the record,” in a completely uncensored interview.
Ghosts Are Real: My Story
An editorial to end all others, thirty-six pages of this week’s People is occupied by Kardashian-West’s theories on ghosts, and is completely in size-eight font. When she’s not busy having it all, the mogul fesses up to years of ghost-hunting and claims to be a ghost herself in a fascinating, completely impossible twist conclusion. From a middle section of the piece:
After spending two torturous, well-worth-it two hours being vaccuum-sealed into a latex ghost hunting outfit, I entered the ruins of the Coconut Grove. I explored for several hours when a mysterious figure caught my eye, a would-be bellhop covered in all manner of blood and gore. Smoothing my hair back (it looked dope and featured my new dry shampoo!), I approached the ghoul.
“Ms. Kardashian-West,” he said genially as his eyeball like literally dropped out of his face. He was gross but then again, so is everyone. “We’ve been expecting you.”
“You are gross,” I said sharply, swiping my hand through his body to ensure that he was, indeed a ghost.
“No, you are,” he returned, swiping his hand through my body. I looked down – why was my body transparent? Had that hair dryer Kourtney threw at my head actually finished me off? Suddenly, blood ran down the walls and the hotel melted around me…
Truly #inspiring! Thanks,
Krome Kring Krim!