You finally receive the email you’ve been waiting for:
“Office Closed Today.”
But alas, as you read on, you make a gruesome discovery:
“All employees are to work from home.”
What? The words don’t make sense together; home is for eating and showering and looking at pictures of sexy people on the Internet.
But never fear! We’ll guide you through the confusing terrain of working from home during Juno. Just set your browser to “private” and follow these tips.
1. Don’t work in bed.
It feels like the right idea, but it isn’t. There is such a thing as being too comfortable, and the old-timey rule “Don’t copywrite where you hooked up with that mysterious stranger who was good-looking but maybe too good-looking, maybe I should get tested, what did he see in me, well I guess he was drunk, huh,” really holds true when it comes to working from home.
You’ve got a desk, and now’s the time to stop pretending it’s a laundry hamper.
2. Learn stuff in the background.
As much as you love your “Linger” Pandora station, try out a new podcast and have something to casually brag about when you get drunk at your neighbor’s apartment tonight. Chances are you’ve finished Serial, so try out Reply All (from Gimlet Media), Criminal (from Radiotopia) or Affirmation Nation with Bob Ducca (from Earwolf).
3. Do this to stay motivated.
If you’re having trouble focusing in the confines of your own home, just remember: if you didn’t have a job, you wouldn’t have a home. If you didn’t have a home, you’d have to live with your parents. If you had to live with your parents, you’d have to respect your elders and get some much-needed perspective on the fragility of the human condition, and if you got that much-needed perspective then you would be a better, humbler person.
4. Hide your beer during Skype meetings.
In the comfort of your ratty old flannel pajamas that you found on your best friend’s bedroom floor and sort of just took (she might be a little pissed, but they’re so comfortable), it’s easy to feel untouchable.
“What’re you gonna do, FIRE ME?”
No but seriously, they could. Hide the Pabst.
5. Talk to your roommate for once in your life.
If you’re going to be stuck, you might as well make a friend. They might be just as boring as you’ve always suspected, but you could also fall in love with them and become trapped in a toxic relationship for two years (based on a true story!).
Looking for inspiration on topics? Read a thinkpiece and re-appropriate it as your own intelligent opinion: anything on Longform is fair game.
6. Dance it out.
If your joints are cramping up from sitting cross-legged too long, take a break to dance it out, play with the token house kitty or call an old enemy and scream at them while doing jumping jacks. You know, JUST LIKE BEYONCE.
7. Take a quick sledding break.
Use the time you’d normally be chowing down on a Thai lunch special to have some good old-fashioned winter fun. Call your twenty closest friends, fill a flask and make it a forty five minutes you won’t soon forget. Don’t have a sled? Use a recycling bin, or steal one from a child!
8. Finished with work? Read a book! LOL just kidding.
Books are for dummies. But if you’re “one of those,” try fiction with Chang-rae Lee’s “On Such a Full Sea,” nonfiction with Jill Lepore’s “The Secret History of Wonder Woman” or a wild card with incredible Chip Zdarsky/Matt Fraction comic “Sex Criminals.” Don’t read the last one on public transportation ever.
9. If you run out of food, eat a roommate.
The least attractive one. It’s a great bonding exercise for you and your hotter roommates, and you can store the extra meat in the fridge for sandwiches!