I spend far too much time on Twitter. Here’s a handful of posts from last year that I found to be entertaining on one level or another. Enjoy.
coolest part of being a young dad is that half the parents are wondering if ur an active shooter when u go to pick ur kid up
— Pal (@unsuiii) February 29, 2016
It used to be funny when I got drunk in college. Now it's just sad. Just kidding, it's still funny.
— Daverino Makincopies (@daveswebsite) March 28, 2016
me: a rip. a rap. a hamilton brrrap (i start beat boxing and fucking spitting all over my shirt)
everyone in america: this is insanely good
— (wooting softly) (@dogboner) April 18, 2016
It is with tiny, weak hands that I announce that I do not qualify to be buried next to my family at the Sports Cemetery.
— sskylark (@sskylark) May 4, 2016
cop: hows it going?
me: good. cool if i go for your gun?
cop: no dude i'd dome you instantly and legally
me: right on. im gonna do it though
— Mike F (@mikefossey) May 21, 2016
I don't know why I'm anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) June 12, 2016
[fucks around with megaphone and turns it on]
— approaching figure (@bashfulcoward) June 19, 2016
Q: Do you mosh with your Fit Bit on to get those extra steps or have one of your crew hold it for you while you're in the pit?
— later, dudes (@horriblecramps) June 19, 2016
wow huge congrats to toilet pic.twitter.com/nHIpiHBd3i
— becca t (@beccaandthebox) July 22, 2016
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
— wint (@dril) July 26, 2016
🗣: can yall stop killin us?
👮🏻: anyway…yall tryna hoop?
🗣: nah just stop killin us!
👮🏻: lol yall wild yall want some ice cream tho???
— Quavo Ratatouille 🐀 (@KNGSHxT) August 4, 2016
A few of us that were in the studio audience when Emeril debuted his "Bam!" catchphrase still keep in touch to this day
— Craig (@craigrachel) September 17, 2016
Any party can be a murder mystery party if you try hard enough.
— Mairead Kelly (@Parade_K) October 12, 2016
what sort of monster would do this? *detective examines bread bag where someone took out a slice then put it back in in the wrong place*
— sreegs (@ahuj9) October 22, 2016
E Honda wiping my ass with his many speedy palm strikes
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) November 12, 2016
"red wine" is just purple beer. and what about "white wine" you ask me???? I dont know leave me alone.
— jon (@Ennui_Raver) November 18, 2016
Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.
Your parents in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) November 19, 2016
I am Thankful for the kindly ladies who leave pies upon their windowsills so an old chunk of coal like me might have a bite now and then.
— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) November 24, 2016
in honor of the passing of the inventor of the iconic Big Mac sandwich, for lunch today Im going to end my life
— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) November 30, 2016
If you ever feel like an asshole just remember that Phil Collins divorced his wife via fax machine.
— LO (@lauoneil) December 1, 2016
People have expressed concern with Trump picking Hexxus, the pollution monster from FERNGULLY, to run the EPA, but let's give him a chance pic.twitter.com/FbwPu4uPnI
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 7, 2016
And, lastly, the Greatest Tweet of 2016
The #Phillies have acquired Clay Buchholz from the #RedSox, per @jonheyman and @MattGelb.
— Ken Rosenthal (@Ken_Rosenthal) December 20, 2016