Your dad is a man. A man who inseminated a woman (a woman who is your mom). In fact, he may have done so many times, but the details don’t matter. Dads are basic. The second their loins bear fruit, their list of wants and needs streamline. Which is good news if you’re doing some last-minute Internet shopping.
Since dads are prescriptively old school, we’ve scoured the annals of eBay for some of the best treasures to bestow on the man who taught you everything you know about back hair. Everything on this list is a guarantee to send your dad flashbacking to the days of blue blockers and that rat tail your mother made him cut off in 1993.
But goddamn it, he deserves it, so splurge on the overnight shipping and show your basic-ass old man some love.
|1.||Heather Locklear signed photo|
At a starting bid of $8.50, this pre-Pornhub relic is selling at 1970s prices. Scoop it before another smart shopper snags this wallet trophy. But don’t tell your mother. This will be a secret between you and your pop.
|2.||Three pair of Sears jeans|
Of course, his current yard jeans will be saved for the day he finally gets around to painting the shed, but if there’s one thing dads love more than using the singular “pair,” it’s a bulk bargain. Fifty smackers for three pair of dungarees that’ll last longer than his first marriage? Done deal.
|3.||Bitchin’ Guns ‘N’ Roses tee|
While we never recommend coaxing out details of your dad’s sexual history, he’ll definitely appreciate threads that hearken back to those glory days on Father’s Day. For added effect, buy a size too small and tell him he looks exactly the same as when he was 21.
|4.||Old guy sneakers|
These chalky New Balance sneakers will sub in perfectly for the pair your dad already rocks, thus allowing him to simultaneously gain a new pair of yard shoes (see item 2 on this list).
|5.||Grass stain remover|
This handy stain-killing serum will keep him looking presentable until the point where he goes full Alzheimer’s and doesn’t care that he’s wearing Kentucky Blue from the waste down.
|6.||Ken Burns’ “Baseball” on VHS|
Plus, anything that gives the ol’ armchair historian an excuse to dust off the VCR should be received with gusto on Father’s Day. Just be sure to clear the room whenever Burns mentions Dennis Eckersley, because the rising tide of testosterone will be enough to stunt your growth.
|7.||Beard comb and panty-dropping sheath|
He might not be rockin’ the facial fuzz he sported back in the ’80s, but unwrapping this pocket-sized bit of masculinity will make father dearest put away the razor. Even if it lands him in the dog house with your mom.
|8.||Buttload of neckties|
But, according to dad logic, more/bigger is always better. This year, make it rain on your white-collar poppa by lacing him a lot of 15 goddamn designer ties. Do they match with any of his shirts? No, but neither do any of the ones he has.