A virtual armada of guitar-wielding hooligans shall storm upon the Middle East this Saturday and raze the storied Central Square corner into a glorious tourbillion of ear drum-massacring melodiousness. But you don’t need us to tell you that Boston Fuzzstival 2014’s 15-band lineup will, in all likelihood, crush many a bottom.
We wanted to switch it up a little though– take a look at the true spirit animals that drive each band’s sound, and nothing seems to fascinate all you little monkeys more than throwback pop culture.
Ergo, to siphon some vicarious attention from Fuzzstival and exploit readers’ longing for their lost youths all at the same time, we used a sophisticated algorithm loosely based on the engine for those super-duper accurate BuzzFeed quizzes to determine: Which ‘90s TV families are the Fuzzstival bands?
|THE NEW HIGHWAY HYMNAL are THE CLINTONS from the news|
After a listen to psych doozies “Whispers” or the refreshingly ambitious “Reverb Room EP” with a nine-minute blaster of a title track, one of the first things that pops into your brain should be, “This band must love to wear sunglasses. I can just tell. Maybe they wear sunglasses because they’re hungover from all the drugs and booze they did yesterday, maybe they just want to look cool, or maybe it’s too goddamn sunny out. But wherever they are at the moment, everyone in this band is probably wearing sunglasses. Just like the Clintons.”
|GHOST BOX ORCHESTRA are THE BLACKS from “Millennium”|
The cinematic, instrumental journeys of GBO invite the overused adjective “haunting,” but perhaps “haunted” is more apt. If any band in town can be suspected of dealings, deliberate or accidental, with the supernatural, it’s these paragons of trippyness.
Vanished by Ghost Box Orchestra
|FAT CREEPS are THE LANES from “Daria”|
Nobody gives a fuck about the Morgendorffers. However, a quick poll of the two people and cat in the room reveals a consensus is that Jane and Trent are the raddest and cat food is the second-most rad. We project more data will indicate Fat Creeps’ upcoming long-player “Must Be Nice” could likewise belong on a list of things that are the raddest, and may well surpass cat food unless we decide to survey more cats.
|THE FAGETTES are THE WOLFES from “Rocko’s Modern Life”|
During their last handful of years bompin’ around Boston and elsewhere, the Fagettes have cultivated a track record for sonic flashbacks to the debaucherous, benign, pre-murder spree days at Spahn Ranch. But like the Wolfes, they ain’t predictable. They’re the sort of band that’ll cut your break lines, scream “WILD CARD, BITCHES!” and jump out the back of your van into on-coming traffic.
Gonna Die Out Here by The Fagettes
|CREATUROS are THE FOSTERS AND LAMBERTS from “Step by Step”|
Short Shorts by CreaturoS
|BEWARE THE DANGERS OF A GHOST SCORPION are THE MULDERS/SPENDERS? from “The X-Files”|
Arguably, the specifics surrounding BtDoaGS raise even more befuddling questions. Before they all died in the early ‘60s, they performed as “The Fishercats,” or so they claim. Did the Fishercats wear bandanas around their faces, as members of BtDoaGS do today? Or are the Fishercats merely possessing the mortal bodies of the five BtDoaGS dudes, and making them hide their faces so they can’t cash in on unearned celebrity once the incorporeal surf rock maniacs occupy their physical forms no longer?
CAUGHT DEAD EP by Beware The Dangers Of A Ghost Scorpion!
|THE TELEVIBES are THE HORNES from “Twin Peaks”|
The White EP by The TeleVibes
|GYMSHORTS are THE WINSLOWS from Family Matters|
Gymshorts are nothing like Steve Urkel or Laura Winslow, fortunately. They’re more like Carl Winslow, because they would also be buddies with John McClane if such a scenario were possible. Also, “No Backsies” is a pretty righteous slice of a debut album.
NO BACKSIES by GYMSHORTS
|DINOCZAR are THE BOBBITTS from the news|
Ghouls EP by Dinoczar