BDCWire
Jerard Fagerberg

Alibaba is the world’s largest international B2B marketplace, one that is used by boring small business to keep their boring overheads down. Whatever. We’re sure that it has some wide-ranging financial boon for companies with specific tastes, Alibaba’s true utility comes in when private citizens peruse it’s truly odd catalog for hilarious misapplications. Ones that seem insane even in the business world.

The company is of special interest right now because it is close to hitting IPO, which is kind of huge considering its market value is $150-250 billion. Safe to say none of use will be buying shares in Alibaba, but it will be kind of funny to see a bunch of big wigs with deep pockets buying stock in a company that sells metric tons of fish parts and peculiar multi-functional sex toys.

Given that Alibaba is mainline to the industrial wonder factories of the Far East, there’s much lying in wait to be de-contextualized ad absurdum, which is just what we decided to do. Without any further ado, here are the 15 weirdest items we found in Alibaba’s sprawling wholesale catalog.

1. Bottle launcher
For a mere $8.22 apiece, amateur riot-starters can get this thinly-veiled molotov cocktail bazooka and begin tearing down repressive regimes of all sizes. Need more convincing? Just read the iron-clad sales pitch:

Just the past London the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, 007 students with pink granny to an eye-catching helicopter airborne – scenery is scenery, but as to the fun, obviously have to love rare today introduced this trifle ah, only need one empty drink plastic bottle, plus a bit of piston motion, you can and young energetic big BoBoWa are frank and cool and refreshing to shoot to shot:
Gas Bottle rocket Launcher (PET Bottle Launcher), will look and really RPG a die, just, it does not need the rockets, with Coca-Cola Bottle irrigation water can put on standby, then, will bicycle pump or other similar items grafted in air, filling the enough gas, and pulled the trigger, coke Bottle can with the aid of extrusive high pressure water ? quickly

2. 4-day, 3-night ayahuasca retreat in Peru
Ayahuasca is a highly hallucinogenic tea that contains DMT – a substance that induces near-religious highs. Ali Baba has the perfect thing for gringos looking to get their reality downright distorted amongst the locals of Peru. The trip includes an Amazonian sunset that is followed by the ritualistic ingestion of the tea.

3. Vladmir Putin oil painting
What a perfect conversation piece for the mantle in your hunting lodge. These curiously accurate Putin portraits are done in oil and acrylic and come with an option of frames. Expect delivery in 5-45 (?) days.

4. Ninja star USB flashdrive
You know what’s cool? A USB flashdrive that looks like someone chucked a ninja star into your motherboard? You know what’s cooler? 100 of ’em. Comes with an optional lanyard in case you want to negate all the badassery you just purchased.

5. Human hamster wheel
There are a surprising (depending on your definition of “surprising”) number of human hamster balls on Alibaba. This particular one promises to be the best quality of the bunch and, with that image of the child Jesus walking across an inground pool, can you argue that? $130 and YOU’RE the Deep End Messiah.

6. Paul William Walker silicone statue
Did you know Paul Walker’s middle name is “William”? If you’re in the market for this not-so-lifelike model of the recently deceased action star, you probably do.

7. Live goats
Not much to say here. Live goats from New Zealand in units of 6,000. Goat cheese is expensive, so take some initiative and start churning it out yourself.

8. Digital printed one-piece swimsuits
If there’s one thing women want when they’re lounging in the pool, it’s to look like Batman. This manufacturer offers women with alternative tastes about 42 different digitally printed suits that range from an anatomically correct organ diagram to your favorite “Adventure Land” characters. Pick your favorite and prepare to wow.

9. Cotton custom printed 3D T shirts
Hell yeah. These bomb-ass 3D animal-printed shirts come in regular or V neck and run a paltry $3.25 apiece. Minimum order is 500, so you and your bros can all get dope eagle prints before you go out for Brad’s bachelor party. Nice.

10. Brazilian human virgin hair
Hair extensions are a strange phenomenon in general. It seems obvious that, if you’re going to tie realistic length to your hair, it might as well belong to a human. But “virgin” doesn’t mean what it appears to mean, right? It HAS to mean “untreated.” But, the ad notes that the extensions are “original young girl’s hair.” Um, maybe not?

11. Radio frequency rectum treatment meter
Have a problem with hemorrhoids? This disturbingly specific piece of medical equipment is just for you. Approved for the “treatment hemorrhoids, hemorrhoids, the mix hemorrhoids, the rectum trouble meat, the anus papilla lump, the anal fissure,” can you afford NOT to spring for this?

12. Well-endowed caveman robot
Metal frame construction. Motorized human-like animation. Swinging penis. This humanoid robot has it all. I suppose there’s some sort of educational capability in these proto-human automatons, but we just can’t get past the pasty dangler it comes equipped with.

13. Breast implants
Back alley surgeon out of the right size for your bust line? Ali Baba has a host of artificial boobies to help you up the sex appeal while lowering the cost of surgery. It’s sort of like when you bring your own part to the auto mechanic.

14. “Cheap” male condoms
Condoms are expensive – but not when you buy in bulk! Ali Baba lists jimmy hats at 25 cents a pop. They also come in various sizes and flavors such as fruit, chocolate, flowers, and coffee, so, you know, protected sex can be fun, too.

15. Custom mascot costumes (like this pistachio, or whatever it is)
For $80, your school, company, or fringe protester group can get a custom-made costume that’ll help bring your #brand to the masses in the cuddliest way possible. Is the costume made of possibly toxic plastics that no human should be exposed to for any length of time? Maybe. Is it worth it? Absolutely.