Wanna be bad? Sinful comfort foods for Boston’s cold weather

If you ever felt the need to gain a shocking amount of weight in a very small amount of time (for a movie role, perhaps?), an all-poutine diet would definitely do the trick. The fancier, Canadian version of your local diner’s “disco fries,” the dish is made up of French fries, brown gravy, and cheese curds. But here’s the kicker: The Beehive tops its poutine with sunny side eggs. Yeah, we know. Mind. Blown. (The Beehive, $14)

It’s hard to match the comforting effect of a big gooey bowl of mac and cheese. Gourmet or right out of the box, it’s pretty much a no-fail. Stephanie’s on Newbury takes mac and cheese to the next level, baking it with three cheeses and topping it with a big ol’ pile of buttery bread crumbs. Eating this is almost a struggle — you know you should slow down and savor it, but suddenly your hands are shoveling it into your face at warp speed and it’s gone before you know it. (Stephanie’s on Newbury, $16)

What’s better than your mama’s spaghetti and meatballs? Handmade pasta and veal meatballs at a fancy-ass restaurant, obviously. Boston Magazine described the dish at Stella thusly: “Chef Evan Deluty’s homemade spaghetti, soft yet substantial, perfectly accompanies a rich, smooth tomato sauce. Add a few meatballs, sprinkle on some grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, top it off with chopped parsley, and match the entire meal with a glass of vino rosso.” So, do you need a mop for all that drool? (Stella, $18)

Holy smoked breakfast meat, Batman! Add bacon, Peameal bacon, turkey chorizo, ham, turkey, sausage, pulled chicken, or pulled pork to a breakfast sandwich from Mike and Patty’s. Feeling super indulgent? Go for the breakfast torta: fried egg, pepper jack cheese, roasted poblanos, potato, refritos, salsa, and avocado on a torta roll. (Mike and Patty’s, $8, $9 with meat)

Sometimes you just need to appreciate the simple pleasures in life, and brinner (breakfast for dinner) is one of those simple pleasures. The Lower Depths serves five different tater tot platters that may or may not be the ultimate drunk food. “The Kenmore” is topped with melted cheese, applewood smoked bacon, chipotle aioli, and scallions. Not your style? “The Supreme” is topped with blue cheese, caramelized onions, and balsamic reduction. You may not feel too proud tomorrow, but … nope, that’s about it. You probably won’t feel too proud tomorrow. (The Lower Depths, $11)

Forget the watered down, sad-looking stuff you keep in your cabinet. If you’re going to do hot chocolate, you may as well do it right. Max Brenner’s hot chocolate is the thick, European-style good stuff that makes your heart smile and your waistline frown. Go for traditional or opt for something more original, like salted caramel or Mexican spicy hot chocolate. (Max Brenner, $5.95)

Saus gives you a buttery Belgian waffle made with pearl sugar and topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and drizzles of house made salted caramel and chocolate-hazelnut sauces. On top of this mountain of goodness sits a spiced Speculoos cookie crumble, perhaps just to mockingly run up the calorie count. Hey, there’s no looking back now! (Saus, $6.75)

If only Zaftigs would deliver this breakfast dish straight to your bedside. Or — even better — straight to your mouth. Prediction: Delivery + spoonfeeding becomes a new fad. I mean, it’s 2014, after all. (Zaftigs Delicatessen, $9.95)

In the ethereal world of fantasy desserts, there exists the “crêpe cake,” a frighteningly tempting mix of two already delicious desserts. You might say, “Don’t mess with a good thing,” but when you taste the peanut butter–banana crêpe cake with mango butterscotch and rum “pop rocks” at Forum in Back Bay, you’ll think again. (Forum, $10)

These devilish little treats (actually, they’re pretty huge) will have you thinking, “How many is too many?” Then you realize that you’ve already ordered six and, well, now you just need to eat all of them, right? Union Square Donuts is basically a haven for artistic fattening. The flavors are less than normal, but not in a way that sounds any less palatable. If maple-bacon or sea salted caramel don’t seem appealing, perhaps chocolate chipotle or brown butter hazelnut crunch? If you’re feeling really wild, try their seasonal filled donut, the New Englander, which is tossed in superfine sugar and filled with cranberry jam whipped with maple cream cheese. (Union Square Donuts, $3.50 and $3)

For just $39, the fine folks at Ben & Jerry’s give you 20 scoops of ice cream, four scoops of hot fudge, four bananas, three cookies, a brownie, 10 scoops of walnuts, four extra toppings, and whipped cream. You’ll get $20 back if you conquer it alone (without hurling). Just kidding, but that would be great, wouldn’t it? (Ben & Jerry’s, $39)