Being home for Thanksgiving can be pretty wonderful. The food, the family, lounging around in your pajamas watching the National Dog Show instead of helping your Mom with the turkey — you can’t beat it.
But as wonderful as Thanksgiving Day is, the day before Thanksgiving (let’s call it Black Wednesday) is downright terrible. Trying to cram a full day of work into a half day, attempting to beat the traffic (and the snow) but failing at both, all to rush home and realize there’s absolutely nothing to do in your hometown.
To help you make it through this monotonous day, I’ve put together a little Day Before Thanksgiving Bar Crawl for all of the terrible hometowns across Massachusetts. You may not have fun, but at least you’ll be really drunk.
2:30 PM — One large glass of red wine while your parents’ friends come over to visit.
It’s never easy to come home to endless motherly inquiries about your job, your apartment, your love life (and why you should really settle down already), but at least you’re used to this line of questioning. But when your parents’ best friends the Johnsons come over to visit, you have to feign politeness while answering the exact same questions.
The easiest way to survive is to pour yourself a sizable glass of vino and practice smiling and nodding in your bedroom mirror before Mark and Fran arrive. Pro tip: Pour your libation in a plastic cup with your university logo on it so everyone remembers that you graduated college and are technically an adult, even though you’re the only one drinking wine at 2:30 in the afternoon
Best Enjoyed: Overwhelmingly, cheek-pinchingly sweet
5:30 PM — One coffee enjoyed with your high school ex, who you’re surprised (but somewhat flattered) wants to get together and chat after all these years.
Wow, you never thought you would see your ex again, other than maybe running into them at the 10-year reunion. But they dropped you a Facebook message, you sent each other some funny YouTube videos, and now here you are at the local Starbucks, sipping lattes and laughing it up like it’s senior year all over again. Could a holiday hookup be in the works?
Best Enjoyed: Surprisingly hot (considering how many years it’s been).
5:45 PM — One Irish coffee, surreptitiously mixed exactly one minute after your ex takes a phone call from their fiancé.
Oh, your fiancé? No, you didn’t even mention your fiancé! No, I’m 100% sure I would have remembered if you’d mentioned you had a fiancé. Ever notice how a word starts to sound weird when you say it a lot? Like fiancé? Fiancé. Fiancé. Fiiiiiiaaaaaaaannnnnceeeé. Hahahahaha, words are crazy.
Best Enjoyed: Extremely bitter.
7:30 PM — One swig of vodka from a plastic water bottle in the CVS parking lot
Stung by the tragic turn of events from your coffee date, you call up your best buddy from high school and convince him to paint the town red like you did in the old days. After loading up on cheap vodka from the same liquor store that almost called the cops on you when you tried to buy Mike’s Hard Lemonade with your older sibling’s ID before junior prom, hit the CVS parking lot where everyone used to hang out.
After 10 minutes of driving around to all the old spots (the town playground, the patch of woods near the pond, the bike path) you both conclude your town is totally lame and go steal some traffic cones until the cops catch you.
Best Enjoyed: Lukewarm.
9:30 PM — Four overpriced microbrews from the only bar in town.
Why do you even go to this place? It’s always filled with the same douchebags who were mean to you in high school and never moved out of town after everyone else graduated and went to college. You’d probably *die* if you still lived in this town.
Yep, you’ve got it made in your craphole of an apartment that abuts both the train tracks and the city dump. That smell of engine grease and flaming garbage? That’s the smell of freedom, something you could never understand, townies. You text your ex all the stupid stuff these guys are saying, but no response.
Best Enjoyed: While eavesdropping on those same kids you hate to see if they know of anything cool going on.
11:45 PM — Two Keystone Lights quickly stuffed into your jacket once you realize you don’t know anyone at the house party you randomly showed up to.
So it turns out you misheard the address of the party the townies were talking about, but after cruising around a bit, you found a party…. and it’s full of toddlers. Seriously, when did kids at house parties get so young? If that kid playing beer pong even has his learner’s permit, you’ll eat your hat.
And when did high school kids become such assholes? You’re just a chill 26-year-old down to hang out, drink a couple brewskis and have a good time. Woah, that learner’s permit kid is pretty strong. As he throws you out of the party, that girl who served you coffee earlier in the day makes fun of you for crying while your ex was in the bathroom. How could this night get any worse?
Best Enjoyed: Extremely shaken, with a heavy note of Gore-Tex as you desperately suck the alcohol out of your soaked jacket.
2:30 AM — One tequila shot while you watch that cheesy movie you always used to watch with your ex.
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have been ruining real-life relationships with this meet-cute romance propaganda. Parents should stop worrying about violent videogames and start worrying about the crushing expectations placed on generations of inexperienced lovers by “You’ve Got Mail.” TRUE LOVE IS A LIE!
Best Enjoyed: Naturally salted from your tears.
11:00 AM — One Thanksgiving-themed mimosa (just a mimosa with cranberries tossed in)
Woooooo, Thirsty Thursday baby! Thanksgiving is a new day, and there’s a lot to be thankful for. Your friends, your family, and most of all, that you won’t have to see any of these people again until Christmas.
Best Enjoyed: While inventing some sort of drinking game for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade and denying your burgeoning alcoholism.
