What did the humidity say to the heat? “It’s not you, it’s me!” (That joke also works with “What did the DiGiorno pizza say to delivery?” or “What did HBO say to TV?”) Try not to laugh so hard you forget to put on deodorant, because it’s pretty sticky out there and a lot of this weekend’s events are happening outside, and this is America where we possess a relatively low tolerance for other people’s body odor — one of our greatest cultural achievements along with football and jazz music.

1. Thursday, July 24 – “Creative License: A New Musical”
Premiering at the Davis Square Theater and running through August 2, “Creative License: A New Musical” is one of those plays that’s about putting on a play, probably because someone told the playwright to “write what you know” and he was like, OK, I know a lot about plays. It’s described as the “banter-laced, rocking adventure Aaron Sorkin would have written, to the extent his lawyers would allow,” which is either a good thing or bad thing depending on if you’re most recent Sorkin experience was a “Sports Night” re-run (so good) or any episode of “The Newsroom.” (7 p.m., $22-30, all ages)

2. Friday, July 25 – Outrun the Green Line
If you’ve ever sat on the Green Line watching minutes of your life tick away while dumb students take forever to load up their Charlie Cards and found yourself wondering if it would be faster to just run, The Boston Calendar and RunKeeper are teaming up to Outrun the Green Line and find out the answer. Three RunKeeper employees will race the B Line trolley 4.1 miles from Boston College to Blandford Street (Google says the trolley usually takes about 26 minutes, which works out to roughly 6:20 miles). It’ll be just like John Henry vs. the steam engine, only the steam engine didn’t have to make 27 different stops at BU. Come cheer on the runners, follow the race on a YouTube live stream, or stop by the post-race party for free pizza. (11 a.m., FREE, all ages)

3. Friday, July 25 – Salsa Squared
The best thing about salsa? It’s both a dance and a condiment — a delicious condiment. Maybe the best condiment. So good it feels like you’re not even using a condiment. Harvard Square’s Salsa Squared party will feature chips and salsa from Border Cafe, Taco Truck and more, plus a DJ playing infectious Latin beats. A dance instructor will be on hand to teach you the moves and rhythm that grab attention on the dance floor. The right kind of attention, not “that man appears to be having a seizure, should we put a spoon in his mouth?” attention. Seizures aren’t sexy. (7 p.m., FREE, all ages)

4. Saturday, July 26 – Boston Beer Marathon
What’s the appeal of bar crawls, exactly? You pay for a ticket to go to a bunch of bars you could’ve gone to for free, only they’re more crowded than usual because of all the other people on the crawl, and you get, like, a T-shirt? No thanks. But the Boston Beer Marathon replaces that T-shirt with a Viking helmet, and challenges you to hit 26 bars in one day (or, for purists, you can make it a true 26.2 by drinking one-fifth of a beer at one last bar). Now when someone asks about your “26.2” bumper sticker, you’ll have a way more impressive story than the people who train for months, get into amazing shape and finish a grueling race while probably not stopping at any bars. (11 a.m., $30, 21+)

5. Saturday, July 26 – Amadeus Magazine Release Party
For the unfamiliar, a “magazine” is kind of like an iPad if the screen froze while you were reading a really cool article. Most of them are lame and serve only to distract you while you wait in your dentist’s office, but some of them are really cool and have sweet release parties, like Amadeus, the quarterly arts and culture magazine that will celebrate its second issue Saturday at the Lilypad in Inman Square. They’ll have heaps of magazines and art prints on hand, plus a performance by Tsons of Tsunami. Tsounds pretty tsweet. (7 p.m., $5, 21+)

6. Saturday and Sunday, July 26-27 – Figment Boston 2014
Free art alert! Figment (the folks responsible for First Night’s fire and ice exhibitions on the Common) returns to transform the Greenway into a large-scale collaborative artwork featuring free, inclusive, and participatory installations. That’s right: Unlike those snobs at the MFA or ICA, no one’s going to yell at you for touching the art. This year’s projects include a giant xylophone; gnome-themed mini golf; a 3D mural; and a musical, interactive version of the electronic memory game “Simon” that’s titled “Art Garfunkel.” (8 a.m., FREE, all ages)

7. Sunday, July 27 – Boston Seafood Festival
“I’m actually on a seafood diet,” you tell your friends at the Boston Seafood Festival. “When I see food, I eat it!” They’ll laugh so hard, providing that they have not seen any sitcoms or comedy films produced in the ‘80s or ‘90s. Whatever, still a better diet than eating paleo: “Hi I’m a dumb caveman who doesn’t know how to make bread for my woolly mammoth sandwich, hope I don’t starve to death because I just started CrossFit.” This year’s festival celebrates the 100th anniversary of Boston Fish Pier, the country’s oldest working fish pier, that’s right, suck it fish piers in other cities. Check out cooking demonstrations, an oyster-shucking contest, and seafood prepared by some of the city’s best chefs. (11 a.m., $10, all ages)

8. Sunday, July 27 – Roaring Twenties Lawn Party
Get your Gatsby on at the second annual Roaring Twenties Lawn Party at the Crane Estate mansion on Ipswich’s Castle Hill. Harkening back to the jazz age when the estate was built, its half-mile long landscaped lawn will feature live music from the Baby Soda Jazz Band, swing and charleston dance lessons, lawn games, picnicking, and general frollicking in the sun. Pick a green light way off in the distance and pretend it symbolizes the American dream or some shit, I don’t know, I read that book in high school and I was smoking a lot of “jazz cigarettes” back then. (3 p.m., $30, all ages)

Photo credit: geekygirlnyc/Creative Commons


This article was provided by our content partner, The Boston Calendar.