If you’re going out this weekend, don’t be that drooling moron who can barely piece a sentence together (unless, of course, you’re going out to Faneuil Hall). Instead, charm your friends and friendly strangers with your knowledge of local news, and these pre-packaged discussion topics, from drug testing to how to deal with the local scientist problem. Unless you’re going to the bars near Faneuil Hall, in which case, maybe you should do another shot of Fireball and not read on.

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, who is facing child abuse charges, allegedly told his court officers that he’d studied hard for his urine test and “smoked a little weed” before pissing into a cup as per his bond agreement. When you go out for drinks with your boss and coworkers, tell them, “If he really just smoked a little weed, he could have just drunk a lot of water and keep his mouth shut … or, that’s how I’ve heard one might pass a drug test … from … friends.”

In what may be an elaborate plan to triple your commute time, Mayor Marty Walsh continues to campaign to bring the 2024 Olympics to Boston. Buy a round and hum the Olympic theme as you hand out the pint glasses.

We have more scientists than we know what to do with, thanks to good schools who keep churning out talent and federal funding rates that can’t meet the needs of the brainy. But hey, you don’t need to have a PhD in neuroscience to figure out how to deal with this crisis, so get your friends at the bar to brainstorm what to do with all these scientists. Some ideas to get you started: Have them work for animal control (they’re accustomed to killing rats anyway), put their skills at mixing chemicals to use by having them all make cocktails (scratch that—this city has a glut of ‘mixologists,’ too), ship them off to California in return for a batch of Chihuahuas.

Five major international U.S. airports are screening passengers for Ebola. Now, not only will TSA agents make you take off your shoes and check out your boobs with their x-ray vision machines, they’ll also take your temperature with no-touch thermometers. We can’t wait for the full physical—they’ve got those rubber gloves on anyway, so we’re just one step away from “turn your head and cough.”

Former President Bill Clinton will campaign for gubernatorial hopeful Martha Coakley, no doubt to firm up her support among the [wink wink] ladies. And former governor Mitt Romney will stump for Charlie Baker, to help the Republican candidate shore up votes from his [point and tongue click] binders full of women.

The Budweiser Clydesdales will reportedly be hanging out on City Hall Plaza until Sunday because they are shooting a “drink responsibly” ad this weekend, and what better place to do it than down the street from Faneuil Hall/my personal hell, home to the trashiest yet most expensive bars, the perpetual fashion statement of Uggs and miniskirts, and anything but responsible drinking. If you end up in one of these places, your pickup line of the week is probably a neigh followed by an inaudible sentence and then vomiting in your own hand. Please, just go home and sleep it off and try again next week.