Hopefully you were able to strike out on your own (and not strike out … on your own) last weekend during Pre-Bar’s vacation. If not, dust off that tush and try again. We’re back with conversation topics ripe for satire, such as fake meat, selfies, and Scott Brown. So read on and good luck this weekend.

The Edgar Allan Poe Foundation—undoubtedly a group of well-read, sleep-deprived horror enthusiasts with sunlight allergies—has raised enough money to install a Tim Burton-esque statue of the author this October on Boylston Street.

It’ official: Scott Brown has hung up the tailored suit in favor of his barn jacket. The former Massachusetts senator has quit his job at a Boston law firm and will run for Senate in New Hampshire, this state’s evil, but conjoined New England twin.

Bar trivia! Guess the context of this quote:

“We still feel like this is a community event. It shouldn’t feel like a prison camp or something like that. … It will not be over the top.”

(Sounds fun.) The prize of one shaken can of Corona (bubbling over the top … get it?!) goes to the most creative answer.

Sadly, at least six people died in Chile’s 8.2 magnitude earthquake. On the upshot, experts say strict building codes and well-prepared residents kept the death toll relatively low, and also now Angelenos will have to shut up already.

The Massachusetts House and  Senate have approved bills to increase the minimum wage by at least $2.50, or enough to buy one mediocre beer every two hours.

The soldier who killed four people and himself during a Fort Hood shooting rampage was being evaluated for post-traumatic stress disorder. Also, this just in: Water is wet, chickens walk funny, and the moon’s still there.

Great news for people formerly known as corporations: The Supreme Court has struck down the cap on individuals’ campaign contributions. While this won’t change the $2,600 spending limit per candidate, the decision found that the cap on how much individuals can spend in politics violated the rich people’s First Amendment right to waste their money/control politicians. Nobody tell Ruth Bader Ginsburg—she still thinks the decision was an April Fools joke.

A selfie taken by David Ortiz of himself and President Barack Obama may have been “tainted” by the Red Sox star’s endorsement contract with Samsung. Stand on your barstool and rant to the masses: “They’ve commercialized selfies?! IS NOTHING SACRED?!!” Encourage your friends to tweet pictures of you doing this with the hashtag #lookingforanendorsementdeal #openforbusiness.

Fake meat is so delicious and deceptive now that Whole Foods accidentally packaged soy as chicken (no one knew the difference), and Bill Gates has blogged about the brand “Beyond Meat,” saying, “I’ve tasted a few, and they’re very convincing.” Your topical pick-up line of the week: “You know, Bill Gates said the same thing about my meat. Rawr!”

Ah, it’s good to be back.