People have been doom-saying since the dawn of time (I should know … I’m almost thirty, so I was there), but now the end is really near. If you don’t believe the research that proves it, consider last week’s Southie sinkhole and the North End’s new puppy poisoner as a sign. Might as well enjoy the time you have left, before piranhas and alligators take over the Charles and locusts descend on the South End. Have a nice weekend and use these handy discussion topics to keep the conversation light so you can ignore society’s pending demise.

Mindy Tran of Lawrence acted as a human speed bump and  laid down in front of her car when it started rolling downhill with her young twin daughters inside. She broke her leg and dislocated a hip and a shoulder, but the woman gave birth to twins, so it’s no surprise she’s immune to pain.

Universal Hub warns that a crazy or lazy person  leaving rat poison around a park in the North End, prompting dog owners to use the blog’s comments section to detail the idiosyncrasies of their dogs’ eating habits (“she has arthritis flare ups that necessitate a course of steroids every once in a while and they make her ravenously hungry,” “she’s a drama queen,” etc.). Dog owners, all you have to say is: They’re dogs. Cat shit is irresistibly appetizing to them. They don’t have very discerning palates. Even if you owned Lassie, you’d be constantly removing trash from that thing’s mouth. 

Joanna Marinova has won $563,000 in her libel case against the Boston Herald, after the paper of a certain record reported she had been, ahem: “‘bagged’ for engaging in ‘sexual acts’ with a killer con, in the prison’s visitor room.” Those “sexual acts,” which occurred while Marinova was investigating prisoner abuse, amounted to a touch on the knee and a kiss on the hand, suggesting that Herald reporters think they’re living in the Victorian Era.

Presented without comment, because it is perfectthis.

Newton North High School has been slammed for its production of “Thoroughly Modern Millie,” which is thoroughly dated thanks to its unflattering and racist Chinese stereotypes. No one is looking forward to Newton North’s next production, a theatrical adaptation of D. W. Griffith’s Birth Of A Nation.

Population growth, wealth inequality, and inadequate resources all indicate that civilization is nearing a breaking point in the epic fall of Rome/decline of Maya sense, according to research from the National Socio-Environmental Synthesis Center. The study’s authors say disaster can be averted if population growth stops, depletion of natural resources is reduced, and food and water are distributed equally. So in summation: Social revolt is imminent.

After 95 percent of the Crimean Parliament voted to secede from Ukraine and Russian president Vladimir Putin signed an annexation treaty, the United States and the European Union announced sanctions against Russia, saying the Parliamentary vote violated the Ukrainian and international law, and was executed under pressure from Russian military forces. Is the U.S. flexing too much/not enough foreign policy muscle? That’s up to you and your friends to debate at the bar, but we will say that all of this can segue into some nerdy pickup lines, like: “Would you like to see me flex my foreign policy muscle?” “I don’t have any sanctions on you,” and, “You can shoot this tiger any day.”

[Photo credit: ITAR-TASS/Barcroft Media]