When you hit the bar, houseparty, show, temple, orgy, AA meeting, barbecue, secret society, this weekend, or even if you just stay at home and chat up your pet iguana, you don’t want to seem uninformed as you wait in line for the bathroom, chat up a stranger, or feed Sparky live crickets. Here’s your cheat sheet for the weekend.

Pour a little on the ground for our favorite crassmouth Joan Rivers, who died yesterday at the age of 81. Then bitchily criticize the outfit of everyone who walks past you at the bar. You might not make friends, but it’s what Joan would have wanted.

A Somerville cyclist who has apparently been listening to N.W.A. was arrested on charges of refusing to identify herself, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest after she was stopped for a bicycle violation. This is the second bicycle-related arrest in Somerville in two months. If this law enforcement trend spreads to other cities, then watch out, Cambridge unicyclists: they’re coming for you.

The Charles River is the cleanest it’s been since 1995. Cue the old timers leaning back in their barstools and telling the young folks: “I knew the Charles when he was dirty. Give-you-pinkeye dirty. Grow-an-extra-thumb dirty. Kids today, with their clean rivers and what have you.”

A Springfield woman who made her own Massachusetts license plate out of cardboard and colored pencil (she colored within the lines and wrote out “The Spirit of America” and everything!) was arrested for driving with a suspended license and a revoked registration. She might not be able to drive for a while, so that license plate is going right on the fridge!

The Globe has endorsed Leland Cheung for lieutenant governor, either because or in spite of this.

A resident renovating his new home in Charlestown found a message from the apartment’s previous owner after pulling up a threshold floorboard. The message from beyond the grave? “And America at war to fight Germany. Threshold 5/10/41 by Albert Stella this floor was laid. Go fuck yourself.” (Apparently he predicted U.S. involvement in WWII months before it happened.) tracked down Stella’s son, who is carrying on the family tradition of crass nostalgia, calling one of his former neighbors “a real prick.” This Saturday night, leave a time capsule for future generations. Might we suggest a brick inscribed: “Just before the giant canaries attacked. Brick. 9/6/14. And your mother, too.”

In your best monster truck rally voice, announce, “Three gubernatorial candidates enter … but only one will become the DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE!” (Hey, it’s tough to jazz up the state primary.) Save your pick up line for this Tuesday, when Don Berwick, Martha Coakley, and Steve Grossman  square off. Don’t forget to vote, because no one can resist a smart dresser wearing an “I Voted” sticker (plus, sometimes they have cookies at the poll stations).