There are so many will they/won’t they news stories to argue over this week, it’s like you don’t even need a casino in Massachusetts, because you could place your bets on the bottle bill, Scotland’s independence vote, the governor’s race and you could start a pool for how many more oopsies Joe Biden will make by Sunday. No idea what any of that means? That’s OK! We’ll give you the rundown before you crawl out from your rock and hit the bars this weekend … but you have to decide on the odds yourself.
Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth three times in 24 hours, managing to suggest we’ll deploy ground troops to Iraq, and pissing off both Jews and Asians. It’s campaign season and he’s a busy man, but even for Biden, this many gaffes has got to be a new record.
Researchers believe that the artificial sweeteners found in diet sodas and your grandma’s house might be triggering pre-diabetes blood sugar levels, probably because they’re hurting the cosmos of bacteria in your belly. In other words: your sugar-free diet could kill you. Order yourself a sugary cosmopolitan! You’re screwed either way, so you might as well enjoy yourself.
Suffolk Downs loses its casino bid, meaning the racetrack will close and we’ll all have even less reason to visit Revere. (Unless you live there, in which case: Revere forever!)
Scotland votes on independence. Here’s the gay hookup community’s take on the matter.
President Barack Obama’s plan to train and equip Syrian rebels made the House go topsy-turvy on Wednesday, with Republicans supporting the president more than his own party, and Nancy Pelosi looking downright hawkish. It’s like a bizarro version of 2003 all over again. No one could have predicted that spread!
Four New Englanders have received MacArthur “genius” grants, including cartoonist Alison Bechdel. This should surprise no one familiar with the region’s intellectual heft and bulging big brains, but it’s a good reminder to hedge your bets at the bar tonight by saying, “I’m not a certified genius or anything, but …” You never know who will be sitting next to you at the bar.
The state ballot will include an environmentalism-supported expansion of the state’s recycling policy, which would add a five-cent deposit to water, juice, and soda bottles. The opposition campaign has funded a one-minute television spot that argues, “if you don’t return your used containers to the store — politicians get to keep your money.” And while this does conjure an interesting image of Senate President Therese Murray rifling through your recycling bins, bottle bill advocates say it’s not entirely accurate—unreturned deposits would bolster the state’s general fund and help balance the annual budget. Fun new drinking game: As a group, try to get your potential bottle deposit refund to $1. At the end of the night, gather as many empties as you can, and announce “I’ll be taking these. Because I love … [hiccup] the environment!”
Another local boy doing us proud (sarcasm): 26-year-old homeless “Joe,” who got kicked out of his mother’s home in Boston and onto the streets of New York, has a morning Four Loco habit, makes $150 a day panhandling, and freshens up by having sex with lots of women. Or as he so charmingly puts it, “It’s not like I forgot how to get pussy just because I fucking became homeless.” Because ladies really love it when you address them by their genitalia, we recommend that anyone who thinks this video is glorious address a group of women as “Hey, pussies!” and see how that goes.