Just as inevitably as the seasons change, we’re back with another pre-bar chock-full of topical conversation starters. As you look forward to the weekend, this week’s news is all about nostalgia, with a look back at Jesus’s love life, G.I. Joe, and John Lennon’s teeth.

The Wenham Museum is celebrating 50 years of gender stereotypes and male body dysmorphia with an exhibit celebrating the storied career of G.I. Joe, “America’s Movable Fighting Man.” Judging by the Globe article, the exhibit is mostly drawing men in their 50s who want to remember a simpler time, when Joe was young, lean, 12 inches tall, and before his doomed marriage to Barbie.

Just fuel for the fire between ol’ Mom Pants Obama and Vlad the Animal Rider: An inspector general’s review of the Boston Marathon attacks found that Russian security officials declined several of the FBI’s requests for information about Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Some outrage for you, just in time for the marathon.

A non-loner high school student stabbed 22 people in at his Pennsylvania school, spurring non-productive debates on the relative merits of the mentally unstable wielding various weapons.

Harvard professor Karen King says numerous tests prove that the “Gospel of Jesus’s Wife” is a bonafide ancient document. Some academics remain skeptical that it could be a forgery, probably because it contains the phrases, “Jesus Christ! Would it kill you to take out the trash?” and, “hands off my uterus.” 

The freshman 15 is now how much weight you lose, apparently, as more and more low-income college kids are going hungry, thanks to unaffordable food plans and the cost of education. Makes you feel a little ashamed about your three-desert lunches at the cafeteria, eh? 

When firefighters responding to an eight-alarm fire in East Boston found a car parked in front of the nearest hydrant, they punched in the windows and threaded the hose through the passenger cabin, a reaction that’s all the more appropriate because the coup was a BMW.

A Canadian dentist bought one of John Lennon’s teeth, with plans to clone the Beatle and raise him as his son. He hopes John Jr. has a flourishing musical career, without all those distracting hippies, drugs, cigarettes, and Yokos. Your psychotic, topical pickup line of the week: “You have a great smile—it makes me want to yank out your teeth and make five more of you!”