Heading to the bar this weekend to hit on recent college graduates? Want to impress new friends at your seventh wedding of the 2014 season? Look smart by memorizing these headlines about sneezing bus drivers and enormous dino bones, and people will believe that you too graduated order of the coif (a real thing that I didn’t just make up, apparently). And who knows, maybe next year your friends will be buying you a juicer or a designer cake tray to celebrate undying love! The MBTA bus driver claimed she lost control of her vehicle because a violent round of allergy-induced sneezes convulsed her straight into the guardrail of a highway overpass in Newton—bringing new urgency to the phrase, “God bless you.” But the security cameras disagree, showing that the driver was on her cell phone when the crash occurred. Looks like that’s the end of the popular sneeze defense.

Mayor Joseph Curtatone has officially ended Somerville’s participation in the federal Secure Communities program, on the grounds that it’s making the community … um, less secure. According to Somerville Police, the practice of detaining undocumented immigrants for minor civil offenses has hurt cops’ relationship with the immigrant community, leaving many crimes unsolved. New bar game: Rename this and other federal programs to more accurately describe what they do. For example, the War on Drugs could be called the Endless Myopic Struggle Against a Symptom of Poverty, and Operation Fast and Furious could be changed to Operation Give Guns to Mexican Drug Cartels.

Boston cabbies protested outside Uber headquarters on Thursday, saying they’re being choked by rules while unregulated drivers are stealing their business. Taxi drivers may have been trying to give Uber bad publicity, but between offering $3,000 chopper rides to the Hamptons, absurd price-gauging, oh, and killing a six year old, we’d say Uber is doing a fine job of that on its own. See how many “Uber? I don’t even know her!” jokes you can make in one evening. Your designated driver will think it’s hilarious.

Prosecutors working the murder case against former New England Patriots star Aaron Hernandez are looking for the tattoo artist who inked the suspect’s arm. While descriptions of the tattoos haven’t been released, we can guess the incriminating the markings might include teardrops squirting from his elbow, the subtle “I killed Odin L. Lloyd,” or the Chinese character for “murder in an expensive neighborhood.”

The 7.9-foot-long thighbone of what may be the largest dinosaur ever discovered has been unearthed in South America. The Argentinizilla (just kidding … it’s called the Argentinosaurus) was an estimated 66 feet tall, and scientists—using everyone’s favorite metric for weight—guess that he weighed the same as about 15 elephants. Your predictable, topical pickup line of the week? Skip the obvious “bone(r)” pun and flat out tell a man at the bar that you’re looking for an Argentinosaurus and not another Microceratops (better make it an MIT bar, if you want him to get the joke).