Paula Deen and her butter-laden recipes are tragically absent from the Food Network these days, thanks to the PC police who didn’t approve of her somewhat outdated views on race relations. Lucky for us that means she can upload videos to the Paula Deen Network without some network honcho forcing her to censor herself or use basic editing skills. The result is wonderful.

Here’s a shot-by-shot breakdown of this one-minute hodgepodge of down-home wisecracks and bourbon-soaked non sequiturs.

0:05 — Our first holiday recipe! It’s… a loaded baked potato. I guess chives make it holiday-themed.


0:10 — Our second holiday recipe! It’s… eggs and meat and bread and sauce and is coming soon to a Denny’s menu near you.

paula deen egg monstrosity

0:15 — This is — I’m not joking — bourbon whipped cream in a glass. I know this because one of Deen’s sons says “Nothing says Christmas like drinking a glass of bourbon whipped cream.” One of the great Christmas traditions, only surpassed by deep-fried chestnuts slathered in Guy Fieri’s Kickin’ Honey Chipotle sauce.

bourbon whipped cream

0:20 — Our third holiday recipe! It’s… lard and nuts.

butter lumps

0:30 — I should note that between flashes of recipes that gave me Type 2 Diabetes just from looking at them, Deen and her family are saying random phrases like “bacon” and “put the bourbon in the eggnong!” followed by hysterical cackling. Despite providing a more than sufficient laugh track, the Paula Deen Network Christmas Greeting Video is filmed in front of a live audience. And they LOVE the Deen family’s witticisms.


0:50 — One of Paula’s sons comes in playing some disturbing character whose origin I can’t place. It’s the wardrobe of Hugh Hefner, the voice of Bill Cosby and the mustache of John Waters, all rolled into one unfunny caricature.

john waters guy

0:58 — “Y’all come taste the divinity.” – Paula Deen, anointing balls of sugar and fat as the divinity.

Though Deen’s recipes may never live up to Megan Amram’s artistic interpretation of them, this video and its artery-clogging “holiday fare” comes close.