There have been months of buzz concerning a fully illustrated reissue of “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in circles where words like “Squib” and “Mudblood” are commonplace, and a release date has finally been set. 

Yesterday, Potter publishers Scholastic and Bloomsbury announced that esteemed British illustrator Jim Kay would take the lead on bringing the classic book to life. Four preliminary illustrations were released for “Philosopher’s Stone,” but what about the American kids that grew up with the Sorcerer’s Stone because publishers correctly assumed that the word “philosopher” had too many syllables for our tiny, Ritalin-addled brains?


We give you, “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Illustrated Edition.” This copy’s on the house (spoilers ahead, maybe):

Beginning of book: As a punishment for being an uncool orphan, Harry Potter’s fat family requests he live beneath stairs to build character.


Harry Potter finds out that he is an uncool wizard in addition to being an uncool orphan. He allows himself to be kidnapped by an enormous stranger.


He makes uncool friends and is told what’s what by a really Cool Boy.


Harry Potter gets in a fight with a vaguely racist demon.


Then there’s six other books, or something. Hit us up, J.K.