For a brief period in the late ’90s and early aughts, Slipknot was the biggest thing in metal. And their drummer Joey Jordison, known for performing difficult solos while upside down or spinning in a giant metal cage, was the most metal of them all. That’s why it’s so shocking (and frankly, hilarious) to hear Jordison’s claim that the band fired him last year via singing telegram.
Here’s Jordison’s recounting, from Metal Sucks:
“I was sitting in my living room playing Skyrim, when there was a knock at my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, so I was like, ‘Who could that be?’. I opened the door to find a guy in what looked like an old-fashioned elevator boy outfit. He did a little jig and started to sing this horrible song letting me know I’d been let go from the group.”
Jordison also provided Metal Sucks with a lyric sheet to the musical pink slip, which really brings into question Slipknot’s ability to write songs at all.
I am your singing telegram
Sent to you this December
To let you know you’re not a member
Of our band anymore
So don’t get hit by the door
On your way out
It’s no use to cry and shout
You were once one of The Nine
But without you we’ll be fine
“What will ‘Knot be without me?”
Well we’ll tell you and you’ll see
We’ve already hired a Jew
To take the drum spot away from you
No, this message ain’t in jest
Yes, we wish you all the best!
We just don’t want you with us
When we get back on the bus
Please don’t try to beg or barter
Now you have more time for Scar the Martyr!
P.S. In case it wasn’t clear, you’re fired.
Here’s hoping the next band firing is similarly incongruous. Maybe One Direction can fire Harry Styles by burning his house down, or the Jonas Brothers can oust Joe by throwing his pet turtle off a cliff.