Spring is all about starting over. To celebrate this time of rebirth, it’s important to eat as much of the best religious holiday themed food as possible. What better way to pay respect to your heritage than by eating a bunch of candy and drinking wine? I started my own spring renewal by eating a meal of Easter and Passover snacks, so that you can choose which to buy for your own celebration:
<
>
The lineup, pre-feast
Peeps Bunnies- Good Call. As I’ve written before, the best thing about Peeps is the microwave battles you can have with them. If you’re spending Easter with your family, wait until the old people leave and show the kids how to Peep duel. A, You will cement your status as the coolest person at Easter and B, That’s what everyone gets for dragging you out to church hungover.
Chocolate Peeps - Bad Call. OK I can tacitly support peeps as a legacy candy, but if you start adding chocolate to an already crazy sugary yellow duckling, you need to step back and reevaluate what’s going on in the world. We’re veering towards vegan, quinoa and kale. Nobody’s got the stomach for your over-the-top chocolate peeps.
Cadbury Cream Eggs - Good Call. To be honest, the last time I had one of these was in eighth grade from a Walgreen’s before a school-sponsored ski trip. In those halcyon days of yore, Mountain Dew and Jolt Cola flowed like water and we all had flip phones. George W. Bush was president and I could actually name his cabinet thanks to social studies class. That’s how long you should wait between eating candy like this. I’m already feeling the sugar high of going hard to the hoop with the first three candies.
Sour Jelly Eggs - Bad Call. I’m going to be hypocritical. Usually I’m all for things tasting more natural and less like chemicals, but if you have your feet firmly in both worlds, I need you to pick a side. These were gross gummies only vaguely reminiscent of fruit.
Chocolate Cross - Bad Call. Nothing says childhood like eating a chocolate religious symbol. Wasn’t there that whole thing with the cross where somebody was nailed to it and left to die? This is a weird candy.
Birthday Cake Flavored Chocolate Rabbit - Great Call. Eating all this candy as a meal is making me feel pretty down. Then comes the birthday cake filling inside of a chocolate rabbit. This is some grade A candy. Why not fill a giant chocolate rabbit with birthday cake filling? This is America! Also nobody died on a rabbit.
Jellybeans - Good Call. No one dislikes jellybeans right? They are fun and, if you can control yourself, they’re a dot of brightness in your otherwise dark meaningless life. Also, apparently high school wrestlers will eat a handful of jellybeans before matches to catch a quick burst of energy. It’s like a multi-colored espresso
Starburst Crazy Beans - Bad Call. Wow, way to take something simple and ruin it. Do we really need centimeter size sugar beans to have two flavors? Also, a good dietary rule is to avoid eating anything with ‘crazy’ in the name. Would you ever order the ‘crazy’ salmon?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg- Good Call. Peanut butter and chocolate were born for each other. It’s a relationship that has truly stood the test of time. Is the egg gimmicky? Sure, but if you’re buying candy that’s not for kids, how much do you really care? You’re probably wearing sweatpants right now.
Kosher Raspberry Loaf - OK Call. Since this is the first thing resembling real food for this feast, it probably is getting a better review than deserved. It was pretty dry and flavorless, which is generally bad, but after eating birthday cake chocolate rabbits and crazy beans, I can get down.
Manischewitz- Horrible Call. Woof. Just give this to your grandparents.
Matzo Crackers - OK Call. These are the grey Gap sweaters of the food world. Just there and kind of hanging around or whatever. They really need another food like cheese or Nutella to make it worth it. Though, I do appreciate that food for Passover is decidedly more couth than say, a chocolate cross.
Passover Pizza - Bad Call. Because this feast consisted of almost entirely processed sugar, I was looking forward to this pizza in a sick way. I just wanted some real food. This is probably the worst pizza I’ve ever had. I get that you can’t eat leavened bread, but that doesn’t mean you can mail it in on the cheese and sauce. It was all so so mushy and fell apart. Granted this was a frozen pizza, but still-- If you can’t top Elio’s, what’re you even doing ?
The lineup, pre-feast
Photo 1 of 14
