Fixing Boston’s egregious fall fashion faux pas

We all have those days. You roll out of bed and think, “Today, I will make as little effort as possible.” You pull on those leggings and seal the deal. It’s understandable. Unless you’re Kim Kardashian (or maybe even if you are Kim Kardashian, she seems to make some mediocre fashion choices — cough couch-woman cough), you are welcome to have your day be spectacularly unimpressive. However, there’s a definite limit to the amount of times that this is acceptable, and it’s low.

Solution:
Reserve the leggings for your weekly bikram yoga sesh, all-nighters in the library, or couch-bound movie marathons. If you do choose to venture out in yoga pants, pair them with a top that’s long enough to cover your lady parts. No one wants to see the outline of your underwear or the faint pattern of your “Bite Me” panties.

To say that Ugg boots aren’t comfortable would be a blatant lie. Ugg slippers? Basically foot marshmallows. However, this does not make up for the fact that they are extremely, extremely unattractive. To walk around with cartoon-like, bear-paw-resembling feet is not — and should never have been — a thing. The Ugg trend refuses to die out despite all the ridicule, and one can only hope that girls everywhere will finally give it the boot (pun opportunity!).

Solution: Knee-length or over-the-knee boots are a classic, no-fail choice. Try pairing them with knee-length socks to spice things up and stay warm.

Change can be scary. The transition from childhood to adulthood is marked by myriad changes – a growing alcohol tolerance, a barely existent bank account, and hopefully, an upgraded wardrobe. Ideally, those fuzzy purple Northface jackets that we so often wore were shed in favor of leather jackets, trench coats, the occasional jean jacket … basically, anything that is not a fuzzy purple Northface jacket.

Solution: There are so many other options out there. In terms of what’s “trendy,” go for something over-sized, pastel pink, leather, or a classic trench.

This is a situation similar to the “ladies in leggings” scenario. Baggy athletic pants should be reserved for athletic activities and the occasional lazy day.

Solution: Aim to wear regular pants as often as possible. It’s not that hard.

The “I just helped paint my neighbor’s house” look is best reserved for days when you helped your neighbor paint their house. Don’t commit this fashion crime: Baggy, ill-fitting jeans (usually boot-cut) paired with worn-in sneakers or Timberland boots.

Solution: Go for slightly-fitted jeans, skinny or tapered. Show off those legs, guys. We know you work out – you tell us all the time.

Remember when this was a thing? In high school? The straps of your Victoria’s Secret bra are peeking out from a tight racer-back tank. What exactly were you thinking when you paired the two? They’re like puzzle pieces that don’t fit. And if you are trying to draw our attention to the fact that you have boobs – congratulations. We weren’t aware.

Solution: Hide the straps by opting for a racerback or strapless bra.

If you make the decision to wear a miniskirt on fall’s colder days or worse, in winter, you’re a brave soul indeed. But simply looking at you is making the rest of us feel cold — as if watching you try to navigate an early-season snow bank in 4-inch open-toed heels wasn’t cringe-worthy enough.

Solution: If your prince charming is out there, he probably doesn’t want you getting pneumonia. Party in pants and be just as impressive. Black leather pants are a trend worth trying – they’ll keep you warm and they’re flattering, as well.

Don’t be that guy who wears a LeBron James jersey when the Celtics are playing the Knicks [editor’s note: I hate that guy. Wearing a player’s jersey to a game where the player isn’t present is like yelling, “Yay, team” no matter who scored or Homer Simpson cheering generally for “TV sports”]. In fact, don’t be a grown man in a jersey — that’s bad enough.

Solution: Jerseys are better left as children’s attire. At the game, act your age and, in the case of wearing a jersey for a non-present player, be aware of your surroundings.