The Academy Awards are fun, sure, but they’ve never been an accurate representation of what actually occurred in film in a given year. There’s so much beautiful minutia that is left without any hardware at all.
2014 was a year of great cinema. Richard Linklater gave the world his opus about suburban whiteboyness, Birdman saw Michael Keaton rise to new heights in a movie about how great actors are, J. Jonah Jameson yelled a bunch in Whiplash, and Reese Witherspoon grabbed a rucksack and hoofed her way through a feel-good book adaptation. Everyone but Selma will be rewarded handsomely for their work on Sunday, but who will be applauding the realness of Patricia Arquette’s wardrobe or the sheer fact that Robert Duvall, despite being fossilized, still lives and breather. BDCwire is setting out to to honor these smaller, less technical aspects of film-making that Hollywood is too erudite to reward.
With that, we proudly present the First Annual BDCwire Anti-Oscars.
Best Adapted Foreplay:
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Best ‘Batchstubation:
Benedict Cumberbatch – The Imitation Game
Best Live, Laugh, Love:
Resse Witherspoon – Wild
Best YELLING:
Whiplash
Best Sounds Like a Vibrator:
Big Hero 6
Most Incredible Hulk in A Supporting Role:
Mark Ruffalo – Foxcatcher
Best Use of Multiple Aspect Ratios:
The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Dog Murder:
Esse Davis and Dog – The Babadook
Best Everything Is Still Awesome:
Teagan & Sara and The Lonely Island – “Everything is Awesome” from The Lego Movie
Best Use of Whitey Tighties:
Michael Keaton – Birdman
Best Mom Jeans:
Patricia Arquette – Boyhood
Best Meryl Streep:
Meryl Streep – Into the Woods
Most Angelic Deity Inhabiting Human Flesh:
Joanna Newsom – Inherent Vice
Best Seriously You’re A Milk-Fleshed Seraph with Orchids for Eyes:
Joanna Newsom – Inherent Vice
Best Please Don’t Ignore Me, Joanna:
Joanna Newsom – Inherent Vice
The Al Pacino Award for Crap, We Should’ve Given This to You Sooner:
Julianne Moore – Still Alice
Best Not a Cash Money Records Biopic:
Birdman
Best Not a Kurt Wagner Biopic:
Nightcrawler
Best Brian Williams Biopic:
American Sniper
Best Ellen Page Can Do Anything!:
Ellen Page – X-Men: Days of Future Past
Best Token Supportive Wife of a Brilliant Man:
Felicity Jones – The Theory of Everything
Best Director of a Feature-Length Pink Floyd Music Video:
Christopher Nolan – Interstellar
Best These Damn Dragons Still Need Some Training:
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Best 50 Shades of Bat-Shit Crazy:
Rosamund Pike – Gone Girl
Best (Worst) Nose Job:
Steve Carell – Foxcatcher
Best Yeah, He’s From Mahhhshfield, I Seen ‘im at the Venus:
Steve Carell – Foxcatcher
Best Isn’t that the Kid from Weeds?:
Ellar Coltrane – Boyhood
Best I’m Not Dead, Damnit:
Robert Duvall – The Judge
Best Whoops, Don’t Want People to Think We’re Racist:
Selma
