It’s so nasty outside, you’re probably wearing six Snuggies, sticking hand warmers down your pants, and only drinking liquor you’ve poured into a heated beverage. Stop discussing the news with your cat! It’s not that cold outside. Get out there and gab. From suicidal whales to Jesus mysteriously disappearing (as he’s been known to do), there’s plenty to chat about. And don’t worry about looking stupid; both Harvard and Emerson colleges have embarrassed themselves this week … now, it’s your turn!
First, pour a little on the ground for the pilot whales that successfully beached themselves in Everglades National Park. It’s not easy being marine.
Emerson College temporarily renamed its communications department the Ron Burgundy School of Communication (New motto: “Stay classy, goths and hipsters!”) in anticipation of a visit from Will Ferrell, who is promoting his movie, “Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues,” everywhere (apparently — yeah everywhere). Some Emersonians are celebrating the partnership, which seems to suggest that all graduates will be certified to wield tridents (um, we were kidding about that goth thing). Others worry that the stunt will hurt the school’s reputation, like Associate Department Chair Doug Struck, who told Boston.com: “My students tell me Will Ferrell is funny. They also tell me they have done their course work. I am skeptical on both accounts.” Debate whether this is the death knell of journalism, interspersing your discussion with as many Ron Burgundy quotes as possible.
While responding to a house fire in Roxbury, first responders discovered 176 mature marijuana plants in the blaze. Firefighters promptly called police, no doubt laughing hysterically as they did.
Massachusetts Congressman Stephen Lynch has filed a resolution asking that the president make public 28 redacted pages from a Congressional report on the 9/11 hijackers. Many have believe that the classified information may indicate that the Saudi Arabian government financially supported the terrorists. Others, who adjust their tin foil hats self-righteously every time they make the claim, believe the attack was financed by space aliens and the quiet yet powerful soybean lobby. It’s anybody’s guess until those pages are declassified.
Everyone’s for sale, apparently, and Jacoby Ellsbury has taken a seven-year, $153 million contract with the New York Yankees. Rest in peace, since he’s dead to us and whatever.
Statues of Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a lamb were stolen from a nativity scene in Quincy. Rather attributing it to a Christmas miracle, police suspect it’s a prank similar to those pulled in past years, when the baby Jesus statue was discovered swimming in the Town River. Your pick-up line for the week: “Why don’t we make like the baby Jesus statue and get out of here?”
Harvey C. Mansfield, a professor of government at Harvard, is criticizing the Ivy League institution for being an ivory tower of easiness, citing statistics that most frequently given grade at the school is an A. So if someone tries to use the ol’ baby Jesus pick-up line on you, your out is: “Harvard might have low standards, but I don’t” or simply, “What am I — Harvard?”