With warm(ish) weather coming this weekend, you can’t use the cold as an excuse to damage your liver. You should really picnic outside and play basketball at the park because it’ll be a balmy 50 degrees on Sunday. But whether you decide to stay in your subterranean pub until spring or you go for a swim in Walden Pond, we’ve got your weekend small talk right here. So, beef up on this week’s important Internet videos, state imprisonment policy measures, and the latest on local public masturbators.

Our friends at put together an interactive map of what people are asking Google about various Massachusetts towns, ignoring the fact that the Internet exists outside of our fair Commonwealth. Our personal favorites: “Why is Holden so worried about the ducks?” “Why is Sharon so stupid?” and “Why is Sandwich so soggy?”

Ukranian President Viktor Yanukovych announced he has a fever and respiratory issues. He’d totally love to keep negotiating with political dissenters protesting his government, but he just feels all icky and has to call in sick. Politicians: They’re just like fourth graders.

Running out of small talk? Just show your conversation partner this rare footage of a pair of Wellfleet snow bears in their natural environment, courtesy of

The Boston City Council passed a resolution asking that Weather Channel and DirectTV settle their contract and fee disputes, so that Massholes will be able to get their weather news from capable professionals who can knee someone in the balls without blinking.

Goldman Sachs and other financial behemoths have invested $18 million in “social outcomes bonds” to finance a large-scale campaign to reduce the state’s prison recidivism rate. The money will go to a Chelsea-based organization called Roca, which helps at-risk youth and former prisoners find work and get training. If the nonprofit succeeds in reducing incarceration rates, the state will pay the banks for their investment and an additional profit. It’s like taking a gamble on someone’s future … so another day at the office for these financial investors.

By day, he’s a mild-mannered pope, charging church policy about atheists, da gays, and abortion. By night, he dons his disguise and ministers to the homeless. It’s about time someone acknowledged Pope Francis’ heroic escapades with “Super Pope” mural on a street in Rome.

A Boston man is charged with fiddling with himself while waiting for a train at Hynes, instead of fiddling with his phone or a book like a normal person. Your topical pickup line of the week: “Looks like yet another pervy commuter was charged with ‘open and gross lewdness’ … as opposed to ‘closed and appealing lewdness,’ which is something I’d be down for tonight.”

[Ettore Ferrari/EPA]