It’s Valentine’s Day! Time to purchase cheesy cards with someone else’s sentiments on them, to fail to live up to your partner’s expectations by ordering takeout, or to sit at home eating candy that tastes like chalk while feeding the bile you feel for Tom Hanks’ stupid waxy face by watching a romantic comedy marathon on television. Or, you know, you could leave the damn house, appreciate the people you have in your life, and dazzle an attractive stranger with your flimsy knowledge of current events. It’s really your call.
In honor of the late Shirley Temple — child star, diplomat, and baby prisoner — the Boston Public Library has posted pictures from the kid’s first visit to Boston, including a shot in which everyone seems to be either hailing Ms. Temple as their benevolent dictator, or Instagraming glimpses of her. We recommend dazzling all the hotties at the bar by showing off your tap dancing routine … especially if you have no clue how to tap dance and believe it involves a lot of stomping and jazz hands.
A Boston judge set a November trial date for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the 20-year-old Boston Marathon bombing suspect who is facing the death penalty. Defense attorneys had asked for the trial to begin in September 2015, to give them enough time to review 2,000 pieces of evidence against their client. Bookies, get ready. There’s a sucker born every minute.
A committee will release a report in two weeks determining whether hosting the 2024 Olympics in Boston is “feasible.” Pros: The city will be swarmed with folks who can do incredible feats with their bodies donning lycra and wanting to celebrate. Cons: They probably won’t talk to you anyway, they’ll bring a bunch of tourists in fannypacks, and the commute to work will take about two extra hours.
An Easthampton middle school student whose tongue got stuck to a metal pole had to be rescued by brave fire fighters equipped with warm water. The student was fine, but will spend some time recuperating at home while watching educational classic movies.
In the midst of a Chicago bribery scandal that has Redflex, a traffic camera manufacturer, and its former employee suing and countersuing, word has come out that Massachusetts officials may have had their pockets stuffed in return for state contracts. We know what you’re thinking: Who would have thought that a company that benefits from increased government surveillance would do anything so creepy?
The New York Post has asked a Suffolk Superior Court judge to dismiss a libel lawsuit brought by two Boston-area men who were falsely identified as responsible for the Boston Marathon bombing, because they were bagging while brown.
The unstoppable South End neighborhood coalition made us look stupid by successfully banning the practice of saving shoveled out parking spaces with chairs, cones, and other junk. Next up for the neighborhood coalition: Banning the Boston accent.
A drunk, angry pastor was charged with beating his girlfriend inside his Framingham church. As police arrested the man, he told them that he was a pastor and that “God would judge” them, which is the ultimate “Don’t you know who I am?”
The state’s Department of Environmental Protection announced that there’s been a drop in the mercury levels in fish, and is crediting the phenomenon to efforts to curb emissions from incinerators and power plants, and other great first date locales. Time for you to go on another one of your classic swordfish-eating benders! Bring a filet to the bar, in case you meet a special someone.
Canadian research called into question the necessity of mammograms, finding that women who get them regularly don’t have a lower cancer mortality rate. All women call into question the necessity of mammograms every time their breasts are flattened into a pancake by a handsy X-ray. Your pick-up line of the week: “Baby, I’m better for your health and more gentle than a mammogram machine.” (This works on men, too!)
