Gubernatorial candidates Martha Coakley and Charlie Baker tried to convince a room full of Massachusetts technology professionals that they were up to speed on tech issues facing the state last night. Unsurprisingly, it did not go well.

From today’s Boston Globe:

“Charlie Baker talked about his ‘favorite’ collaboration between Harvard and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology — but couldn’t remember the name of it.

Martha Coakley implied that describing a high-tech innovation as “disruptive” was a bad thing, even though startups wear the label like a badge of honor.

Those were but two examples of how the two major-party candidates for Massachusetts governor seemed unable to connect Monday to an audience of about 150 members of the state’s technology community at a gubernatorial forum.”

Not all hope is lost, though: at least they didn’t give the audience goodie bags with AOL trial discs.

Here at the BDCwire, we’re sympathetic to those less hip and with it than we are (read: everyone), so we compiled a list of talking points that either candidate can use at their next public speaking event, free of charge. (Though we wouldn’t say no if either candidate Venmo’d us some cash, just to tide us over until our next lucrative political consulting gig pops up.)


1. “I don’t care what my opponent says, I’m the only candidate who will truly support the tech industry. To all the journalists out there, you can print that. And to all the tech lovers out there, you can 3-D print that!” *high-fives a cardboard cut-out of Nikola Tesla*

2. “My candidacy is like Uber – just when you least expect it, we’re gonna surge.”

3. “I have to tell you folks, I haven’t seen this much disruption since my wife took away my iPhone!”

4. “MIT is known as an incubator for the brightest young talent in tech. It reminds me of the incubator we had in my first grade classroom growing up, except there’s way fewer chicks.”

5. “Come November, we’re not just looking for a win — we’re looking for an epic win. With bacon on top.”

6. “If I win, you’re all getting Ello invites, seriously.”

7. “I hope our educational institutions and tech firms continue to teach young Boston residents how to be entrepreneurs. Why, just the other day as I was reading a CNN comment section, I saw the inspiring story of JessicaMillerxxxx2945, who makes $4,5000 a day from home just by visiting this link.”

8. “My opponent uses Internet Explorer.”