By now, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick’s press conferences are legendary. Reporters glean useful information from the Hoodie about as often as the coach files a 100% honest injury report, i.e. never. But with the team’s unprecedented run of success, the Head Coach / GM / Dictator For Life has mostly been insulated from criticism. After last week’s embarrassing 41-14 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs, however, Belichick’s tight-lipped responses finally gained the national recognition they deserve with four little words: “We’re on to Cincinnati.”

No matter what the question, Belichick’s response was the same. “We’re on to Cincinnati.” It’s as if the coach had taken press conference lessons from former Boston Celtic Rasheed Wallace. At that point, reporters probably should have caught on, but instead had the nerve to continue asking Belichick legitimate questions about the football team he coaches and manages. We at BDCwire came up with a few questions we would have asked the coach to make his press conference a little less awkward.

Coach, rumor has it an AFC North squad has been pulling pranks on other teams by pouring Icy Hot in opponent’s jockstraps. Any leads?

Coach, we’re driving through Dayton on I-75 headed south. Where are we going?

Bill,  I’ve been playing “Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego” with my kid, and the clue says “I’m in the Southwest corner of the Buckeye State on the banks of the Licking River.” I don’t wanna look stupid in front of my son, any chance you can help me out?

Coach, there’s a rumor the event staff is finally going to stop serving this Hormel Chili at every presser. Any news on what type they’re switching to?

Coach, me and the other reporters have been talking. We’ve been more than accommodating with our questions, and have put up with your petulance for over a decade. In any other media market, your refusal to offer any shred of information would be criticized on a weekly basis. Is there absolutely anything substantive you can tell us about the state of the team?

Thanks Coach.